Dad’s ill — and my sister won’t pull her weight
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .
QMY younger sister doesn’t pull her weight when it comes to looking after our 82-year-old father — and I’ve had enough. When Dad was first diagnosed with dementia, it came as a big shock. I was the first to kick into gear, arranging his care and checking in regularly.
I’ve always been the more proactive one, so initially it felt good to be useful. However, I am also trying to juggle a full-time job and demanding family life.
While our father has now moved into a care home, he still needs daily visits and rings me all the time. I am just exhausted.
My sister, meanwhile, seems quite happy to take a back seat. It is so frustrating!
How can I bring this up without damaging our relationship?
AMost of the time, family issues are small enough to be dealt with by laughing together, having a good row or ignoring their constant rumble.
When the big stuff happens, we often retreat to a safe place. that usually means going back to being the person you were before you left home. the patterns in our relationships with siblings feel comforting, familiar, even if they’re not how we behave in the outside world.
You’ve taken charge here, just as you always did. How marvellous you responded so quickly, sorting out your father’s situation and letting everyone know who’s boss (in a good way).
I suspect you feel a bit disappointed in yourself now you can’t soldier on unaided. In turn, you’re upset that your sister hasn’t spotted it’s all become a bit too much. As things stand, your sister can’t win either way. Your circumstances haven’t changed, after all, and now your father is in a home, she’d be forgiven for thinking you have less to do. You appeared to manage very well when you were snowed under. If she’d offered to do anything extra before this point, you might well have thought she was being critical of your coping skills. the key thing is that not only are you tired — and that’s understandable — but this new normal is more than a little scary. Your father is approaching the end stage of life and that throws your relationship with your sister into sharp relief. At some point, it’ll be just you and her and if you haven’t managed to talk before, then it’ll get harder. Why not start by asking for her suggestions about how you manage his care, without being too bossy about what she does? It’ll be hard, but she hasn’t had the chance to give you instructions yet. It might suit her to have to think things through and it might feel good to let her. Admit you need help (that’ll be hard, too) and then discuss sharing the rota of responsibilities and your worries for the future. You’ll always be her big sister, but you’re equally your father’s daughters. time to stand side by side, not one above the other.