All I want is someone to love, but I’ve never even kissed a girl
DEAR BEL, I WANT some reassurance — or perhaps a bit of a shove.
My life’s in a rut: I have just got my PhD, so it should be a happy time, but I’m struggling to find a job. And, after nearly 20 years in full-time education ( I’m 26), perhaps I’m struggling with the real world in general, which seems so serious and uncaring.
In the past year, I’ve had 20 interviews and have made countless applications besides these, but despite help on how to succeed at interviews, I’ve not made much progress so far.
I’ve been working part-time at a High Street retailer but, being rather shy and sometimes disorganised, perhaps wasn’t best suited to retail. I’ve just been told that once the temporary contract expires, I needn’t re-apply.
This wasn’t a job I wanted for ever, but it’s a blow to my self-esteem, which I’ve often struggled with despite academic achievements. Mind, having had counselling (two counsellors, one therapist) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ( CBT), I’m slightly more self-confident than I used to be.
More or less dependent on my parents and on benefits, I don’t have the same emotional support network at home that I had when I was at uni, and I slightly rue having done the PhD, even though I’m proud of having done it. The rejections and lack of progress are getting me down, and I blame myself for not having put more effort in at work (I thought I was doing OK, but it seems not) or in interviews.
Moreover, I’ve never been in a relationship or even had sex — in fact, I’ve never kissed anyone. This bothers me, perhaps more than the work situation.
I really want to love and be loved — just want someone to cuddle, as much as anything. Though a shy, only child who finds people difficult, I did join university societies, and have continued socialising through volunteering and interest groups.
My attempts to ask women out have not been successful (low self-esteem doesn’t help!) and I’ve upset girls by trying too hard.
I get carried away, thinking about the life I’m going to have with someone, before I even know if they like me. This means I go too fast and push things with messages and gifts — despite being told by friends and counsellors not to do this. Then I’m hurt.
I wish I could go on a date to get some confidence — although then I may just end up getting overattached too early. Can you give me some words of encouragement? I tell myself to be patient, but I’m beginning to lose hope. LUKE
T HIS long email made me quail since your double problem seems almost unanswerable. The first thing I’d have suggested, to deal with multiple problems of self-esteem, isolation, employment and love, would have been a course of serious counselling. Yet you have tried that three times.
Of course, seeing a therapist is rarely an immediate solution to long- term problems, yet persistence ( and the right counsellor) can certainly pay off. Yet ‘pay’ is an important word here — because it isn’t cheap and you are clearly not well-off.
So it’s hard for me to take the easy way out and recommend ‘the talking cure’ — even if it does sound to me that some sessions with a psychotherapist specialising in CBT would benefit. This seeks to alter the way you think about present difficulties, in order to bring about change in the way you behave.
There are layers in your email, but I’d hope that successful therapy would be able to address the crippling self-doubt which is surely the root cause. To be frank, I also wish you hadn’t taken the PhD route, since I doubt the wisdom of putting off ‘real life’ — unless a person is truly academic.
It’s hard enough for first- class graduates from top-flight universities to get good jobs nowadays and I feel very sorry for them indeed.
But, look, you’re allowed to be proud of what you’ve achieved, even if (reading between the lines) your own parents are questioning the use of time and money. On the job front, what can I say, other than that you have to keep trying? There’s no choice.
You’re wise to have taken advice about interview technique, but perhaps study websites, too (for example, because there’s plenty of good counsel out there.
Do read widely as well. Last week, I mentioned a book called The Storyteller’s Secret, by the American inspirational speaker Carmine Gallo. Containing plenty of useful advice, it’s about how successful people got where they are, and I found it really uplifting. Much shorter is Paul Arden’s It’s Not How Good You Are, But How Good You Want To Be. Try it.
To be as romantically/sexually inexperienced as you are at the age of 26 must be very hard indeed and I have nothing but sympathy for you. You’ve tried to socialise (full marks for that), but deter girls by being too keen. Yet when people have given you advice on this front, you haven’t listened!
LISTEN Luke: if you fall into a great big hole in the road, you make sure to walk around it next time — right? So use the discipline that your PhD required and stop making the same mistakes.
I had to edit the latter part of your email, but (since you want ‘a bit of a shove’) I have to tell you I found it a bit wimpy and self-indulgent. For example, you exclaimed ‘ Sigh’ — when nobody puts that in a letter they want to be read seriously.
You have to snap out of self-pity, consider the girls you fancy (to be blunt, don’t punch above your weight), make friends of both genders, discipline your neediness, and focus on jobs.
Since you can’t go back to the shop, try anything else — because the worst thing would be for you to mope at home. Every action, every face you see, every book you read, every smile you give to a person in a shop . . . all these take you forward. One step at a time.