Why can’t I be friends with my sister’s ex?
Novelist, Grandmother Of Four And Ex-blue Peter Presenter, Janet Ellis, 61, Answers Your Questions . . .
QAFTER 25 years of marriage my sister has divorced her husband and, what started as a friendly split, has become very bitter. I have supported my sister in every way I can. However, I am fond of my ex brother-in-law and would like to keep him in my life.
The other day I mentioned that we had met for lunch, and my sister went berserk. I promised never to mention him in future, but she wants me to stop seeing him. She’s made it clear she views my contact with him as a betrayal. There was no affair — they split because they grew apart.
I don’t want to go behind my sister’s back, but I also don’t want to sever ties with a man who has been like a brother to me.
AThere are many casualties when a marriage breaks down. Apart from the obvious effect of the split on the couple concerned, family and friends can feel the shock waves, too.
Dismantling a long relationship, such as your sister’s, involves much soulsearching as both analyse what went wrong and what happens next.
Once lawyers are involved it also means reducing everything to the division of assets and that makes staying civil hard. even the best-intentioned couples can be made to feel adversarial towards each other.
In time, and with effort, your sister and her ex-husband may make their peace with each other, but they’re only just over their final split now and it’s hard for your sister to see the future clearly, if at all.
It’s also frightening. The life they’d planned together no longer exists and your sister finds herself single again, a prospect she probably wouldn’t have envisaged until recently. She’s having to think about her ex-husband in a new way and however much they might wish each other well (and I hope they do), right now the last thing she needs is someone close to her, who thinks her ex is not only great, but considers him a good friend, too. She’ll want to feel able to say what she thinks without the risk of you either defending him or, worse, passing her views on to him. You’re entitled to tell her you’re sorry their marriage has ended, but you can’t know exactly want went on and it’s enough for you to know they’re not together any more. You have to respect her decision and make it yours as well. Of course, it’s difficult for you, too. he hasn’t betrayed your sister or done her harm. On the surface, there’s nothing to stop you carrying on as before. except it goes deeper than that, both for your sister and for you. If you’d thought that she wouldn’t have minded your meeting, you’d have told her about it before you went. Your sister will develop coping strategies and a kinder perspective in time, but she’s in survival mode now. She is having to get used to a life without her ex. And, however much it hurts, so must you.