Confessional

What the airport security guard really thinks about you

I FIND my job reassuring — because most people are safe, pleasant and just want to get on the plane. But some don’t help themselves. Often it’s well-spoken businessmen who behave as though the security check is a huge inconvenience.

They make a fuss about taking off shoes and grumble about putting their laptops through the scanner. And we have to remind them to remove their jackets. I can’t count the number who say: ‘Do I look like a terrorist?’

Women almost never have a plastic bag for their make-up. I’ve had tears, yelling — one woman was so angry that we wouldn’t let her carry a huge bag of shampoos and lotions with her. She was opening them, shouting ‘Smell them! Tell me that’s not shampoo!’

Obviously, the bit everyone dreads is the pat-down — we are as brief as possible, and I only do men. I’d say 50 per cent make an awkward joke about not enjoying it. As if I’m enjoying it! It’s just part of the job.

Most of the beeping in the security archway comes from women’s earrings and studded belts. There was one time when a teenage girl set it off as she’d just had her navel pierced. Her parents hadn’t known about it and weren’t happy — but we all thought it was hilarious.