A Midsomer Bake Off to get your teeth into
Following Alex Salmond’s one-man show in the first week of the Edinburgh Festival, several other former MPs tried their luck on the boards. First up was former Prime Minister David Cameron, performing a selection of Fred Astaire song-anddance routines in his show, Top Hat, white Tie And Tails. Particularly memorable was his heartfelt rendition of the classic They Can’t Take That Away from Me: ‘The way you let me go The way you voted off key The memory of all that no, no they can’t take that away from me.’
Another newcomer to the festival was former liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron, billed as ‘the little lad with the big ideas’, whose comedy balancing act proved an unexpected success.
He was hailed by festival veteran Ann widdecombe — appearing this year as Brunnhilde in wagner’s Die walkure at the lyceum — as ‘a consummate performer — i literally howled with laughter when he broke all those tea-cups’.
THE government announced that all self- drive cars would come fitted with a BSD, or Back-Seat-Driver, so as to make passengers feel at home. This would be a robot with a permanently terrified look on its face programmed to issue a series of panicky instructions every eight seconds. Among the BSD’s commands are: ‘watch-out-for-that-kerb!’ ‘oh-my-god-do-you know-how-fast-you’re-going?” ‘oh-no! You-should-have-taken-that-last-turn-off!’ ‘i-said-i-should-drive!’ ‘You’re-far-too-close-to-the-carin
Having realised that every successful television show includes either a) a naked corpse on a mortuary slab or b) a cream cake, iTv drama bosses announced the first season of Drizzle, featuring eccentric forensic examiner Dr Jeff Drizzle ( Charles Dance), who always tucks into a freshly made chocolate cake while conducting his post-mortems.
in a counter-strike, BBC bosses unveiled an all-new new cookery programme, The great British Masterchef Quick-And-Easy Celebrity Baking Farmhouse SerialKiller Showdown Adventure. Teams are given two hours to bake a cake in the shape of a naked corpse, complete with sugar-based mortuary slab.
Brighton held its first- ever BlT parade, to celebrate those people who are transitioning into Bacon, lettuce and Tomato sandwiches. Marchers sported slices of plain or toasted bread on both sides of their bodies.
For the most part it was a glorious day of celebration, though one or two more reactionary types in the BlT movement objected to the presence of several BlTC activists, who were insisting on adding cucumber, and others from the radical BlTCM lobby, who are fighting to include mayonnaise.
Since the parade, the BlTCM campaign has further subdivided between those on the BlTCHM side, who insist that all mayonnaise should be home-made and the BlTCSBM side, who are happy with shop-bought.
THE Department of Culture announced plans to commemorate the remarkable life and achievements of Sir Bruce Forsyth. when restoration work on Big Ben is completed in 2020, the famous bell will be renamed Big Brucie, and primed to make a variety of noises other than it’s all- too- familiar bong-bong-bong.
‘Following extensive conversations upanddown the country,’ said a government spokesman, ‘ we have ascertained that the vast majority of citizens want the bongs to be faded out, and replaced by the friendlier nice to See You — To See You, nice on the hour, every hour, with Keeeep Dancin! on the quarterhours and Didn’t She Do well?! on the half-hour.’
But this decision met with its fair share of objections. Tory backbencher Jacob rees-Mogg argued on radio 4’s Any Questions that it was ‘ taking the modern world a step too far’.
‘it would, i suggest, be infinitely more in keeping with the historic dignity of this important national institution,’ he continued, ‘ if one were to hear little Arthur Askey saying Ay Thang Yew every 15 minutes, and singing a sparkling hourly rendition of Buzz Buzz Buzz, Buzzy Bee, Buzzy Bee.’
THE news has emerged that Prime Minister Theresa May has already booked a prime venue for her post-resignation Edinburgh Festival debut next year.
‘The room above The Star And garter on reekie Street is conveniently situated, just two and a half miles from the city-centre, with a capacity of 35, or 45, if you remove the chairs,’ says a Downing Street spokesman.
Mrs May’s act is likely to feature a heartfelt rendition of her classic song, Fields of Barley.