My lover is so put upon by his spoilt, lazy son

DEAR BEL, I HAVE been dating a wonderful man for two-and-a-half years. We’re both over 40 and divorced single parents. After his wife cheated on him and left, he raised his son, who is aged 17, alone. My child is primary age.

The first year our relationship was rocky — probably the result of both of us having been hurt very badly and running scared when confronted with something serious. But since then it has just been great — a real relationship

However I cannot stand his son. My partner is a dear, lovely man but because he always worked long hours, with no financial or childcare support from his ex, he’s overcompensated by giving in to his son.

The result is a spoilt, manipulative, lazy teenager who takes advantage. It’s hard to watch and keep my mouth shut — although I mostly do, because I don’t want to ruin it.

If I say something he usually agrees that his son is lazy — but nothing changes. This is a man who works ten hours, six days a week — then comes home to a 17-year-old who says: ‘Dad, I’m hungry’.

This summer, his son was told that he must get a job, but he didn’t. And although my partner said that he wouldn’t fund him . . . of course he did, giving his bank card and PINs. So what’s the point? I could explode.

We’ve discussed marriage and I’d never want to be the wicked stepmother.

At first I was guilty of wanting his son to like me and putting up with his behaviour.

We have agreed that not getting along with an offspring could be the death of any relationship.

I genuinely love this man but I question how I balance the two emotions. His son is supposed to be going to university next year but that feels a very long time away.

I’ve had enough and need my partner to see my point of view. But he sees no wrong. This is so hard to live with — or am I being too harsh? BARBARA

This is a tough one — how to cope with the offspring of somebody you love. step-parents face it all the time, though you aren’t yet living together (‘dating’, you say).

And i hope this relationship survives — because both of you clearly need a second chance of ‘ happy ever after’. But i advise patience, since without it there’s a good chance that you could lose this opportunity for a new life.

Believe me, i understand your frustration. it would drive me mad to witness a spoilt, lazy, greedy teenager running rings around his hard-working dad — the man who has felt he must compensate for the broken marriage and the long hours he was forced to spend working.

Your partner has successfully created a rod for his own back — as so many parents do, by no means all divorced. At some stage in the 20th century, children were allowed to muscle their way to centre stage and became tin-pot gods in family life. They were set on pedestals and given too much ‘ stuff ’ and not enough freedom and responsibility.

The idea of your man giving his 17-year- old son a bank card and PiN . . . sheer madness!

You say ‘he sees no wrong’, but that’s not quite true. he does see it, but is incapable of changing his own behaviour, let alone that of his son.

so there’s an impasse — and in truth, nothing is likely to change until this lad goes away to university,

at which stage he will inevitably sponge off his dad as much as possible and live in squalor wherever he is (I’d encourage distance!) but no longer be under your feet.

You and this man have been together a very short amount of time. If we discount that problematic first year, we’re only talking 18 months.

You have a young child to take care of; he has to see his son through A- levels and course choices. I suggest it’s too soon to be talking about marriage with more pressing things to cope with.

Why not be content to see each other regularly, but not all the time, making sure that you witness as little of the son’s behaviour as possible? You won’t be able to change it, so try to cultivate a zen calmness which sets the son’s infuriating characteristics in the context of teenage years.

Recognise the fact that it’s pretty normal — and maybe your own child will be the same in ten years’ time! It may not be true, but learning to shrug is good. A year’s wait won’t seem like an age if you have other things on your mind: for example, your child’s hobbies, your interests and friends.

You say you need your partner to see your point of view, and I totally understand that. But I suspect he does — he just feels like a rabbit caught in headlights, between two people he loves.

When you go out, encourage him to chat about his son, but curb direct criticisms. Or rather, express them in terms of how your partner is feeling and what he can do to put things right. Suggest that he gives his son a cookery course for Christmas as that will help him in future.

Focus on the positives rather than the negatives, and bide your time. When this boy grows up a bit and gets a girlfriend (or boyfriend) to knock him into shape . . . well, life could be very different. Chill.