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We’re told the new generation of women are more independent than any before. But some are now defying the feminists, and declaring we’re . . .
WhEN he turns his key in the lock of his London home at the end of a long day, Daniel Tredget knows he will be greeted by an immaculate house, a hot meal and — more often than not — the delicious, soul-warming smell of a freshly baked cake.
While Daniel, who works as an accountant, has spent his day immersed in spreadsheets and client meetings, his wife, Emily, will have spent hers sieving flour, chopping vegetables and ironing his shirts.
It’s a domestic set-up straight out of the Fifties, which bears little resemblance to the frantic, juggling lifestyles of most families today. yet Daniel and Emily aren’t a staid, middle-aged couple set in their ways. At just 30 and 28 respectively, they’re the most modern of Britons: millennials.
Born between the early Eighties and late Nineties, millennials are from a generation that celebrates its liberal values, priding itself on equality in all things — especially between the genders. But lately, there has been a sense of rebellion among the ranks.
Why? Increasing numbers of high-flying millennial women are turning their backs on the workplace to be stay-at-home mothers.
Recent studies have found that young adults are more likely than their parents to support traditional gender roles, with a study published in the Psychology of Women Quarterly finding that 32 per cent of millennials believe men are best suited to being breadwinners and women homemakers. This figure is up an incredible 27 per cent from the Nineties.
The figures tie in with those showing the popularity of marriage is rising after 40 years’ decline and that millennials are more socially conservative than previous generations.
The movement is also fuelled by glossy websites and blogs that promote staying at home to women — one such site offers a support group to millennial housewives, while the hashtag #wifelife has around half-amillion mentions on Instagram.
so, why are young women ditching hardwon — and often lucrative — jobs in favour of homemaking? It’s certainly not because of a dearth of career options. Millennial women outstripped their male peers at school and university, entered professions such as medicine and law in greater numbers than men and now out-earn them in the workplace — by an average of £1,111 a year.
Emily has five A-grade A-levels, a degree in material sciences from Oxford and had a high-flying job as a strategic consultant at drinks company Innocent before giving birth to her son, Oliver, who is now two.
‘I never in a million years thought I’d be a stay-at-home mum,’ she says. Emily returned to work two days a week when Oliver was a year old, but she was quickly disillusioned.
‘It just didn’t work for me,’ she says. ‘I’ve always given 150 per cent to any job I’ve had — and suddenly, I couldn’t.’ ThIs
fear of no longer excelling is what clinical psychologist Christine Langhoff believes is prompting some high- flying millennial mothers — unused to failure after years of shining educationally — to quit the world of work.
‘Women who are highly educated often fall into the perfectionist category, and they don’t want to do a mediocre job,’ she explains.
‘Educated women also understand the benefits of being there when the children are little, and will see their time at home as valuable breathing space from the frenetic pace of life, where they can apply themselves to motherhood wholeheartedly.’
Emily, whose own mother stayed at home, found that trying to juggle her job and motherhood left her feeling inadequate on all fronts.
‘One day, my mum was looking after my son while I was at work and we had a meningitis scare. she had to take him to A&E and I had to leave work early to go to the hospital,’ says Emily.
‘I felt awful. It was in my first month back at work, a new job, and I remember thinking that no one would believe I could be relied on to be there.’
however, while Emily’s decision to quit her job left her free to focus on motherhood, it also meant sacrificing a £40,000 salary. Managing solely on her husband’s income means the couple must be more frugal — swapping exotic holidays for caravanning and designer baby clothes for second hand — but Emily believes the benefits far outweigh any downsides.
‘Dan’s a lot less stressed now he doesn’t have to do a lot of the chores — though he does still take the bins out and he’s a good cook — and I’m more supportive of him and his work,’ says Emily. ‘It’s been good for our relationship.’
While they may be reaping the benefits when it comes to their family life, this new breed of millennial housewife can find themselves criticised for wasting their education — or, worse, they become objects of pity.
‘There’s a stigma about being a stay-at-home mum,’ says Emily. ‘When I used to say I worked at Innocent drinks, everyone knew the brand and they’d want to talk about what I did. When I didn’t have that, I felt as though I’d lost my identity.’
When 29- year- old Cathy Abrampah announced that she was giving up her £35,000-a-year job for the Financial Ombudsman to be a stay-at-home mum to oneyearold son Omari, her friends and family were staggered.
‘They were surprised, because I was extremely career-driven,’ says Cathy, whose husband Kuma, also 29, is a financial adviser. ‘But things change, people change.’
Indeed, as women have children later — the average age of a firsttime mother in the UK is now 28.6 — they are more likely to have already enjoyed career success, and so be happy to take a break.
‘Our generation is academic and so career- orientated, there’s an expectation you’ll get a highpowered job and not stay at home with a baby,’ says Cathy, who lives in Essex in a four-bedroom house.
‘I’m not a feminist. I don’t believe in it at all. I think we’re trying to fix a way of living, of life and relationships, that wasn’t broken.
‘I have friends who would describe themselves as feminists, but they are mostly single.’ CAThy
explains that her decision to be a stay-athome mum was fuelled by a desire to recreate her own idyllic childhood, in which she and her five siblings were raised by their mother while her doctor father went out to work.
‘My mum stayed at home with us in our early years and she was so involved in our lives — on parent committees, always going to social events and baking for the cake sales — it meant she always noticed any changes in us.
‘When I fell pregnant, I knew I wanted to stay at home because I didn’t think I could do my job well
and be a good mother.’ Kuma, who earns substantially more than his wife did, supported her decision, and Cathy believes their new arrangement has boosted their relationship on every level. ‘It has improved our love life, because I have more energy now. We feel very close and we spend more time together,’ says Cathy.
she’s not the only woman to find that leaving the boardroom — and adopting more traditionally ‘womanly’ tasks — can lead to greater satisfaction in the bedroom.
A 2013 study found that when men did ‘feminine’ chores around the house — such as washing, cooking or vacuuming — couples had sex 1.5 fewer times a month than when men did traditionally ‘masculine’ jobs, such as mending the car or mowing the lawn.
The women also reported greater sexual satisfaction if their husband performed more masculine tasks.
however, being a stay-at-home mother is not without its downsides — not least the loss of financial independence that high- flying women take for granted.
For women used to commanding a decent salary, having to ask their husband for ‘pocket money’ can feel demeaning.
‘It’s the little things that bother me, like asking to get my nails or hair done or planning a night out with friends,’ says Cathy. ‘I manage all the bills and Kuma pays money into my account every month to cover them, and then the rest of
the time I just use his debit card. While my husband always tells me it’s our money, I don’t always feel that way, as I’m not putting anything in the pot.’
It’s a situation with which 30-yearold Katie Meade, mum to Brooke, 22 months, and 11-week-old Alfie, can sympathise. Two years ago, she gave up her job as a teacher in Hampshire — and with it, her £22,000 salary — to stay at home.
‘Fortunately, my husband Jason’s career as a project manager has progressed and he’s been given a pay rise, so there haven’t been any real financial implications of me giving up work,’ she says.
Moreover, Katie believes that supporting the family financially has boosted her husband’s ego. ‘I think Jason feels proud that he’s able to give us our lifestyle, and it makes him happy,’ she says.
Indeed, some experts claim that the shift back towards traditional gender roles — man as breadwinner, woman as homemaker — helps men feel . . . well . . . like men again.
‘Saying women should be the primary carers in the household may be a powerful way for young men to assert their masculinity, and for women to assert their support of traditional gender roles in a world in which the dominant economic role of men is no longer a given,’ says political scientist Professor Dan Cassino.
And just as Theresa May and her husband Philip claimed in an interview earlier this year that there were ‘boy jobs and girl jobs’, in Katie’s home there are ‘pink jobs and blue jobs’.
‘The “pink jobs” are the female jobs — my jobs. I look after the children, do the laundry, organise our finances. Jason does the “blue jobs”: he takes out the bins, does DIY, hangs pictures on the wall, mows the lawn,’ says Katie.
‘I believe women are better at cleaning and keeping the house nice. If Jason vacuums, he won’t do the edges of the room. He doesn’t see what I see and I can’t help pointing it out. I am a perfectionist. Things have to be my way.’
So why do utterly modern young women like Katie hold such oldfashioned views on marriage and family life?
For many millennial women, the key lies in their own childhoods. Having watched their working mothers attempt the juggling act of ‘having it all’ — and seen them dropping a few balls in the process — they’re reluctant even to try to combine motherhood with a demanding career.
‘My mum worked full-time when she had me and was head of the department by the time my brother and sister were born,’ says Katie. ‘We often had child-minders in the morning before school and after school, too, because of her hours.’
Such arrangements are par for the course for the working mother — an expensive merry-go-round of childcare and stress that young women such as Katie, Cathy and Emily are in no hurry to leap on.
Katie says: ‘I found the idea that “you can have it all” to be a complete myth.’