What a thoroughly hideous crew of washed-up Robinson Cretins
Call social services. Bear Grylls has abandoned a creche full of squabbling toddlers on Celebrity Island (C4).
But that’s unfair to dysfunctional two-year-olds. This assortment of unknowns and has-beens, dumped on Bear’s artificial outcrop in the South Pacific, are more selfish, ignorant and attention- seeking than any pre-schoolers.
They are good at nothing but feeling sorry for themselves. They’re so thick and helpless, they could all starve to death in a self-service restaurant.
There’s a couple of reality TV escapees, of course, and two comedians no one has ever heard of — plus a duo of the obligatory ageing Olympians, some actors, and a pair of forgotten pop stars. This lot make the new roster of Strictly contestants look like a-listers.
Watching this bunch of Robinson Cretins pose and posture on the beach saps all hope for humanity. after two episodes, they’ve failed at everything and had to be rescued by Bear’s survival unit before they died from hypothermia.
Inevitably, the biggest idiots have appointed themselves as leaders. Gold- medallist runner Iwan Thomas is the ringleader, a man so defiantly stupid that even the other celebs know he’s brain-dead. Yet they continue to follow his orders.
It was Iwan who insisted that all ten celebs had to build a wooden platform, and that none of them could be spared to light a fire. The useless pile of logs turned out to be infested with termites. and that night Iwan was the one weeping ‘I just wanna get warm,’ because there was no bonfire.
The only castaway with any common sense was U.S actor R. J. Mitte, from Breaking Bad. R. J. has cerebral palsy, and it seemed as though his speech impediment prevented the others taking him seriously. Iwan’s impression of him was one of the nastiest moments of a thoroughly unpleasant programme.
When Bear’s team dropped in to make a fire for the shivering halfwits, R. J. decided the whole business was a sham, and quit.
He’s right that it’s fake. Bear has carefully seeded the island with everything the castaways need to survive: fresh water, building materials, heaps of plastic bottles and rope. all they’ve got to do is find it . . . which, of course, they can’t.
If the sun’s out, they are splashing in the sea wearing swimsuits. If it’s dark, they are crying themselves to sleep. By accident, they did stumble on ‘the island’s most fearsome predator’ (as Bear repeatedly branded it).
The animal, a terrified 2ft caiman crocodile, was then killed slowly and cruelly, amid much whooping. What a vile climax to a hideous show.
The Great British Bake Off (C4) is telly gold by comparison, though presenters Noel Fielding and Sandi Toksvig are still floundering badly.
all their banter is stodgy and scripted. Noel even stooped to a gag about a wheelbarrow of flour unloading itself, because it was self- raising. That’s not even worth a groan. Without any chemistry between the presenters, the episode had to be padded out with background about the bakers: for instance, how the scarily competent Sophie is in training to become a stuntwoman.
Paul Hollywood tried to crack a joke with fellow judge Prue leith, something about her remembering World War I, but inevitably it fell flat.
Paul’s jokes are not self-raising.
The creepiest moment came when Sandi tried a spot of the traditional Bake Off flirting.
‘I could be on the turn for you,’ she told an aghast male contestant. It was like watching angela Merkel do a saucy wink.