Hat in church? It’s a cap-ital offence!

The visitor was a scoundrel, A bounder and a cad, And his dreadfully crass behaviour Drove our congregation mad. He hadn’t pinched the altar silver, His sins were far, far worse; There he was, as large as life, Wearing a cap inside our church! What’s more, he wore it back to front, The way that jockeys do. But jockeys sit on racehorses, And he was sitting in our pew. He had come to hear his banns read — His first visit since Sunday School — And thought a cap worn back-to-front, Made him look especially cool. But ignorance is no excuse, When we’re the judge and jury, And the wearing of any headgear, Sparked the congregation’s fury. Some said he should be shot at dawn, Others said: ‘Give him the birch’ — No punishment is severe enough, For wearing a cap inside a church. ‘Love your neighbour as yourself,’ May be commandment number two, But only if our neighbours, Conform exactly to what we do. For we bareheaded worshippers, Are forgiven for all our sins, But forgiveness does not apply, To cap wearers such as him. So to be a perfect Christian, And ensure that you go to heaven, Don’t sit in someone else’s pew, Or break commandment number 11. Commandment 11, you might ask, Which commandment’s that? Well that’s the Lord’s unwritten one: ‘Thou shalt never wear a hat.’