Am I worthless to my only pal?

DEAR BEL, I HAVE only one friend who I think of as a best friend, which she knows. But I don’t think she acts like one.

My siblings and I have grown up with mentally-ill parents — not an easy childhood. Where other children could rely on parents to be loving and understanding, we lived in constant fear of ‘Don’t set them off’. Still to this very day.

I had some friends in school but — shy and awkward and with a slight learning difficulty — I was left out when the popular kids involved them.

I got closer to my ‘best friend’, but sometimes we barely saw each other. With her degree, she joined a volunteering organisation and met people, which I don’t. I am an ‘ear’ when she struggled, but that’s all I feel I am. When I want to meet up and go out, she’s never willing. She does things I’d like to do (going to Alton Towers or a restaurant) with others, never with me. All she wants to do is meet at her house.

Her hen do was humiliating. I don’t have a very good job, her friends are much wealthier than me, so I missed meals because they wouldn’t economise.

No one stood up for me. I felt like the dark cloud — and that I let her down. She’s known one woman for just two years who gets more effort from her. I feel second best and worthless.

If I cut her off, I’ll have no one but my siblings — and I need an outside friend.

I see internet pictures of her with others and wonder why it’s not us. What shall I do? ANITA

Anita, you don’t tell me your age or whether you still live at home, but i suspect you do. i feel very sorry that your childhood was so unhappy — with the kind of loveless, volatile parenting that verges on mental abuse — and hope one day you may be able to escape this, perhaps with the help of counselling.

in the meantime, we need to look at this relationship to help you relax — before your needy anxiety and envy drive your friend away. it’s useless for me to make bland, sympathetic noises when i believe you must examine your own attitudes. Yes, you’re unhappy, but maybe it’s partly your own fault.

You see, you tell me you suggest things to do together and she never wants to do them, but you must ask yourself why. Resenting the fact that she goes out for jolly times with her other friends and then posts pictures on the internet, you’ve turned yourself into a grouch.

You need to understand that each of us is like a disco mirror ball, spinning in the air, reflecting the light in different ways and showing different facets.

that’s why people (i’m certainly one of them) have a variety of friends. Some people are great to sit with, chatting quietly; others are at their best on a raucous outing. Some are extroverts, some introverts — and the world benefits from both types. instead of feeling jealous, tell yourself your friend likes to stay at home with you because she likes your conversation best of all. You’re a good listener — and she appreciates that.

Maybe she enjoys talking ‘shop’ with that other woman or maybe she is more interested in fashion (or books or TV or whatever it is) than you. Your friend needs you all, for her different facets. that doesn’t make you unwanted.

it’s bad the women on the hen do were insensitive to your financial situation and that your friend didn’t help. i’ve nothing but sympathy there, but you know something? all of us must learn to hide our most vulnerable feelings in company. Putting a brave face on for the world is an essential life skill — and i’d like you to think about that truth.

You’re aware you sulked (‘a dark cloud’) and that you might have embarrassed your friend (‘let her down’) — and i’m pleased to read such honesty.

But you need to let it help you change your mindset — and tackle this festering resentment against the only friend you have before you lose her altogether. tell yourself you have the most special role in her life: quiet confidante. Suggest you cook supper together one night soon and try to make the evening fun.