The 10-second ur life a misery that can perk up your marriage

Is your other half a Rebel or an Obliger? Find out and you’ll know how to handle them – even when they’re driving you up the wall!

There are moments in most relationships when you look at your partner and think: ‘Are we on different planets?’ Often it is differences that first attracted you to each other that cause the most consternation.

According to happiness expert Gretchen rubin, we all err towards one of four fateful character ‘Tendencies’ which describe how we respond to other people’s expectations.

She says you are either an ‘Upholder’ (the law-abiding type who strives to meet everyone’s expectations, including your own), an ‘Obliger’ (who works hard if someone asks them to, but struggles with self-motivation), a ‘Questioner’ (who will only do something if they’ve weighed up the pros and cons) or a ‘rebel’ (who resolutely does their own thing).

An Upholder may initially be intrigued by a rebel’s refusal to play by the rules, and a rebel may be drawn to an Upholder’s ability to get things done. But a few years into a relationship, those qualities may grate.

however, in her new book, rubin argues that if you pinpoint your own Tendency, and learn to pick up tell-tale signs of the dominant Tendency in those around you, you can change your life – and relationships — for the better.

Accepting the peccadilloes of your Tendency lets you make better decisions, improves your tolerance, reduces the stresses of life and helps you engage more effectively with others.

This is never more important than when trying to ride the storms of a long-term marriage.

You may think you know your partner, but only when you get a grasp of their Tendency will their behaviours start to make sense. This knowledge is power. It is more effective to reach people through their tendency rather than yours. With this tool, even a subtle shift in vocabulary can turn an argument around or stop conflict in its tracks.

If you want to get your partner to do something (say, give you a massage), remember this:

Upholders want to know what should be done (find a YouTube video of massage techniques).

Questioners want justifications (refer them to research on health problems associated with tension). Obligers need accountability (‘you’re the best at this, it makes me so happy’). And rebels want freedom to do things their own way (give them a loving look and hope for the best).

So, what’s your tendency? Take rubin’s quiz to find out all you need to know to change your life — and relationship — for ever . . .

QUIZ: WHAT TYPE ARE YOU — AND YOUR PARTNER?

ChOOSe the answer that seems most true for you; don’t search for exceptions to the rule or focus on one area of your life. 1ARE

you good at keeping New Year’s resolutions? A. Yes. even when I’ve told no one about it. B. Yes, but I don’t necessarily wait for the New Year. C. No. I find it hard to stick to them for long. D. No. I hate to restrict myself in any way. 2 HOW good are you at sticking to your intentions?

A. I stick to them only if I’m convinced it makes good sense to do so.

B. Yes, if someone else is holding me accountable for my commitments — but if no one knows except me, I struggle.

C. I restrict myself as little as possible.

D. I take my commitments to myself as seriously as my commitments to other people. 3 WHEN you feel frustrated by yourself is it likely to be because . . .

A. My constant need for more information is exhausting.

B. As soon as I’m expected to do something, I don’t want to do it.

C. I can take time for other people, but it’s harder to take time for myself.

D. I can’t take a break from my usual habits, or rules, even when I want to. 4 WHAT helps you stick to healthy habits? A. I find it pretty easy to stick to habits, even when no one else cares.

B. I do a lot of research about why and how to keep the habit.

C. It’s easier when I’m answerable to someone else.

D. I’m not usually the sort of person to restrict myself. 5 IF PEOPLE complain about your behaviour, you’d be least surprised to hear them say...

A. You stick to good habits that matter only to you, even when it is inconvenient for others.