LITTLEJOHN

PolICe in exeter are investigating claims that the homeless are trapping pigeons and eating them.

one report alleged two men had been seen laying a trail of seed for the unsuspecting birds, before pouncing and stuffing them into a rucksack.

A community support officer speculated that the pigeon rustling might be ‘alcohol-related’.

Surely not, Sherlock. (or words to that effect.)

PCSo Sarah Giles claimed the homeless were eating wild birds so they could save their benefit money to spend on booze.

A local market trader said the men managed to stuff 14 birds in to their rucksack in 20 minutes — ‘even with them flapping about’.

Police warn that having started out purloining pigeons, the homeless were now ‘escalating’ their operations and targeting seagulls. And the problem with that is, what exactly?

Pigeons are flying rats, carrying an assortment of diseases which they can transfer to humans. their droppings deface and corrode buildings everywhere. Businesses, councils and householders spend a small fortune on special nets and spikes designed to stop pigeons from perching.

We even bought a wooden owl to scare them off. It was useless. the pigeons knocked it over.

As for gulls, every summer councils warn people not to feed them. Seaside resorts are plagued by the buggers, divebombing holidaymakers and nicking their fish and chips. So anything that cuts their numbers has to be welcome.

Instead of wasting valuable police time investigating allegations of rustling, local authorities should send out teams of marksmen to shoot down airborne vermin. they could then be barbecued on giant spits in parks and fed to rough sleepers. Come to think of it, there’s probably enough of these birds to feed all the homeless in Britain.

Maybe the scheme could be expanded to include other pests, such as foxes and badgers. Roasted with, say, a little rosemary, and washed down with a chilled can of Carlsberg Special Brew, they’d make a meal any vagrant would savour.

We learned yesterday that half the homeless in london have come here from overseas. I’m sure they’d be more than grateful for a plate of pulled pigeon.

Who needs food banks? With a little imagination, and a few packets of trill, we could stamp out hunger at a stroke.

You never know, we could end up with a surplus of tasty, avianbased snacks to export to the starving in Africa.

this could be a job for Bob Geldof: All together now: Feed the world!