I don’t want my dad at my wedding

I AM 21 — raised by my mum and her ex-partner. He came into my life when I was two and took me on as his own, changing my life and mum’s for the better.

When I was about 14 or 15 he moved abroad, but we’re in daily contact and I’m always flying to see him. Nothing has changed.

I learned that my biological dad has other kids — family I didn’t know about — and at 16 decided to get in contact with the family I’d missed out on. I started visiting every week.

It became obvious he was very aggressive and manipulative — shouting at my younger half-brothers for getting excited when I got there and making them go to another room or bed.

He’d hardly talk to me while he played on his Xbox and after about a year I saw no point in going. He’d also lied and told me Mum wouldn’t let him see me, when it was me who had no interest.

In November 2016, he rang to say happy birthday and that he’d bring a card. He’s ten minutes away.

But, like all the earlier years, nothing. Until the other day — when he called, furious because I hadn’t made contact. He said I should come and look after my half-brothers — but didn’t ask me how I was.

I’m planning to marry next November. The man I call Dad, who brought me up, will walk me down the aisle — he has the right to, as he’s always been there for me.

Do you think there is any possible way to have my younger brothers at my wedding, but not my biological father?

AFrIeND once sprang a question on me: ‘ Do you believe in unconditional love?’ That thought cropped up again when another friend told me her son has behaved so appallingly she doesn’t know if she likes him any more.

We agreed that love needs replenishing if it is to be drawn on, rather like the deposit in a bank.

reading your letter, it occurs to me the same question can be applied to duty. I often talk about our duty to parents, in the knowledge this also depends on behaviour. It can’t be unconditional. Who can go on loving any family member if they behave so badly that the love and/or sense of obligation dwindles and dies?

In this case, your biological father was never there for you and I do not think you have one iota of love for him — or even any sense of duty. How can you?

He never earned it, as your stepfather did — and the strength of that connection has been proved by your ongoing relationship, even though he is no longer with your mother.

You only made contact with your biological father again because you wanted to meet your half-brothers. It wasn’t because you had any yearning for him. I wish you had said how old these brothers are — because that would make my reply much easier. If they are still very young (why else would he suggest you look after them?) I doubt he would allow them to go to your wedding.

In that case, the choice would be yours: if you want them to attend, you would have to put up with his presence, too. Have you discussed this with your mother? And have you asked your stepfather what his feelings would be? Surely their answers would loom large as you try to make up your mind.

If the boys are older, I see no reason why you shouldn’t give them a role on the day — ‘Junior Ushers’, for example — as an excuse for not inviting your biological father. It would surely be worth a try.

Will he make a fuss? Would you have to invite the mother of your half-brothers? It seems to me that if you are planning a big wedding the situation would be easier, because their presence would be ‘diluted’ by all the other people.

But if it’s to be a smaller ‘do’, then I fear that neither you, your mother nor your stepfather will be made happy by your biological father’s presence.

In the past, when this situation has arisen in the column (as it always will!) I know I have invoked duty and forgiveness and reconciliation. But, you know, I’m not feeling it here.