I AM TRYING TO COPE. IT’S TIME TO GET SOME HELP
Brighton forward Anthony Knockaert on struggling to deal with his father’s death
ANTHONY Knockaert sits in a room at Brighton’s training ground and folds his arms across his chest. They remain that way for the next 45 minutes.
For the young Frenchman, however, this is not a sign that he is about to close himself off. Quite the opposite. It appears those arms may be there for protection, for comfort. They are certainly not a barrier.
What follows is tough for a man of 25, a conversation nobody deserves to have at that age. It is largely about his father, Patrick, who died aged 63 last November after a cancer diagnosis that came from nowhere only weeks before.
Knockaert’s football survived the numbing loss of his parent, mentor and best friend. He was the Championship Player of the Year as Brighton won promotion last season but from an emotional perspective Knockaert admits he has been hanging on.
He is, he says, not coping, not sleeping well. The anniversary of his father’s death is approaching and the winger fears it. It is time, he admits to Sportsmail, to get some help.
‘Sometimes I feel I need to talk to someone just to help myself through,’ Knockaert says. ‘At the moment I just cry. I am not scared to tell you this because it’s just life, you know.
‘When you need to cry, you should so I just cry and try and think about the good moments I had with him. That can help, it can make me happier for a while but I have been speaking with the club about that (a counsellor) and they will try to find someone for me.
‘I still have a tough time and need a person to help me. I need to get stronger. I need to talk to someone about what is in my heart. I just didn’t know it would be this hard.’ KNOCKAERT has not yet scored for Brighton in the Premier League. Injured at the start of the season, he is still not fully in his stride.
Last Sunday against Newcastle, he ran hard in that direct and aggressive way of his. Not a tall man, he runs low to the ground with great balance and is able to cut either way off either foot. It seems inconceivable he will not succeed this season but in front of goal it has not happened for him so far.
Withdrawn late on by manager Chris Hughton against Newcastle, he looked frustrated but it never takes long for perspective to return.
‘Every player is different but for me, you just can’t complain,’ he says. ‘It’s impossible to have a better life. We earn good money but that’s nothing compared to life. A healthy life is better than a rich life.
‘If tomorrow your doctor finds something wrong then what use is your money anyway? Some players will complain but that’s not me. Live your life day by day, enjoy it and be proud.’
Knockaert has known tragedy all his adult life. His older brother, Steve, died of a heart attack when Knockaert was 17 and then, 10 months ago, he lost the man he relied upon more than any other, the he man he watched football with as a child, the man who would not allow him im to give up when n RC Lens rejected d him for being too small.
Brighton have looked after Knockaert this year. Many of the squad attended his father’s funeral l and Hughton giveses him time off to visitisit his mother, Therese,rese, near Lille whenever ever he needs it. ‘She is doing OK,’ he says. But Brighton worry about him, too. They worry that the frenetic nature of a footballer’s life has not given him time and space to grieve. He spent most of the summer in France and visited his father’s grave every day.
‘I didn’t really cope last season,’ he reveals. ‘What you see on the field doesn’t always tell the story. I haven’t got over it and may never get over it. Every day I think about my dad. Sometimes at night with sleep I am struggling. I tell myself I can cope by working hard for him. When he was ill, near the end, he said I had to get promoted for him.
‘He wouldn’t be happy if I gave up now, even if I did feel like it. It was hard after Lens. I felt a failure. I was too small and thought that would never change. But my dad was behind me. He said I was too good to just stop. He drove me to training everyeve single day. ‘He pla played himself until he w was 27 and then got a big injury. He lov loved football. He w would watch e every game on T TV at the weekend. Fifteen games! His dream was to see me p play as a professional. s He said one dayd I would do it at the top and you can see today that he was right. ‘I can’t let him down by not improv improving. I was struggling last season. My first game after he died I was really bad. Mentally, I was gone.
‘I scored about one month later against Birmingham and that really helped make me feel I could still do it but I am not going to lie, it’s still hard sometimes. It will soon be one
Chris Hughton is a great man and a great manager. I want to give everything for him
I’ve seen some horrible tweets. One wrote: ‘I’m delighted his dad passed away’
year and I know I’ll be scared of that day. ‘One year is nothing. Everything is still fresh and I am going to have another tough period, I know.’ At Brighton they talk much about team spirit. Hughton’s team are a close bunch. Closer even than Knockaert thought, it turns out. ‘I’ve no doubts about this group,’ he nods. ‘They love each other so much. ‘I knew the manager was coming to my dad’s funeral but on the day I had forgotten my coat and was really cold. My parents live one minute from the church and when I went back for my coat I saw a bus. My best mate said, “I think your whole team are here”. ‘When I saw them I couldn’t believe it. It was so respectful. I’ll never forget what they did. I have the photo of them on my phone. I look at it every day.’ Knockaert scored 15 goals last season. In Brighton he is revered but, as always these days it seems, he has had to endure unpleasantness elsewhere. Social media can be a dark place for those in the public eye and Knockaert reveals: ‘I have seen some horrible tweets and things. People have disrespected me and my dad. ‘I post pictures of my dad and they think I am playing a sympathy game so that people will say they are sad for me. I do it because it helps me but there are always bad people in life. I don’t give them attention but after a goal against QPR someone wrote on Twitter, “I am delighted his dad passed away, the ****”. ‘I think the fan was banned. It was stupid but it’s the way people have been educated. Some people just don’t have respect.
‘So I don’t pay attention now. I just live my life with people who I like. Those people who tweet that stuff, they will pay for it one day.
‘I don’t care what they think. The comfort that I need is from my team and my family.’ HAVING played in the Premier League for Leicester City in 2014- 15, Knockaert left for Standard Liege because he knew manager Nigel Pearson was not convinced about him. It has been a long way back to the top.
Now he believes he has the right club and manager. Previously, Knockaert has said he would ‘give my life every game’ for Hughton, and if anybody is entitled to a little hyperbole then it is him.
In the summer, he signed a new contract and vowed to keep Brighton in the Premier League. So far, so good from that point of view and Hughton will no doubt be heartened to hear one of his key attacking threats has an understanding of what else is required.
‘He is a great man and manager and I am really happy to be his player,’ says Knockaert. ‘I want to give everything for him. Without him, we would never have got promoted.
‘I signed quickly because it was clear my future is here. I recognise what the club did for me last season. It is important to feel loved and I do.
‘We know it’s a new challenge in the Premier League and I will have to defend more. Some of the games it will be hard to produce what we did last year. Last year we had all the possession but if I need to defend all season this time then I will do that.
‘If we stay up and I have scored zero goals then I will be happy. I can’t be everywhere. When you defend that much I can’t produce what I did last year at the other end. It’s impossible.
‘But we are enjoying this. When we are retired we want to say we played many years in the Premier League. It’s an amazing feeling and it’s not just about players. It’s about making families proud. Everyone here wants to play against the best players. It’s an unbelievable level.’
His first start this season came in a draw at Watford that gave Brighton their first point. Knockaert’s afternoon was notable for the whack he took from Miguel Britos, who was sent off.
‘Defenders know I can be a threat and that’s a part of the game,’ he shrugs.
‘When you see the bigger players at Man United and Man City it shows you the way to be.
‘They are good but they also keep going every week and produce their best under pressure from opponents. I need to learn that.
‘But I am so happy here and that’s so important. When you are free in your mind you have the confidence to play and whatever happens in the future, this club will be in my heart forever.’
BRIGHTON are at Arsenal tomorrow and won’t lack confidence having lost just once in six games. For the Sussex club, it is about taking small steps — as it is for Knockaert. On the pitch and in life.
He says the last year has been the best of his career and the worst of his life, and there are some personal challenges yet to be met.
His club will look after him, he can be sure of that, as will his wife Sophie. The rest, he knows, is up to him. Forty-five minutes in his company flashed by and it ended where it began.
‘It helps to go to work, to play,’ he nods. ‘ There you can think about other things. The hard thing is to be at home, on your own, as you straight away start to think and look back.
‘The days with my dad were the best of my life and I wish I could thank him.
‘If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here now. All my life, he never missed a game. He was the perfect dad.’