Do the dishes? I smash ’em to smithereens!

THE Brexit Secretary answers all your questions about household chores. Chaired by Prime Minister Theresa May.

Q: I’m having trouble opening the door of my dishwasher. Any handy tips, David? Jill, Nuneaton.

MRS MAY: Might I just say, Jill, that we want the BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME for you and your dishwasher. over to you, David!

DAVID DAVIS: It couldn’t be simpler, Jill. Follow my step-bystep plan, and you’ll have that dishwasher door open in a jiffy!

Don’t get bogged down looking for the right knobs and buttons and suchlike.

And avoid the so- called Instruction Manual! total waste of time! It’s all double Dutch!

Fact: if you want instructions on how to open your dishwasher door, the last place you’ll find them is in an instruction manual!

No, what you need is a trusty british hammer-and-chisel.

First, you wedge your chisel in the gap between the door and the machine. second, you give it a jolly good wrench. And — if that doesn’t work — you get out your hammer and give it an almighty wallop!

Hey presto! the door has opened! And you’ ve achieved the best possible outcome for you and your family!

And if you want to keep it open, just jump up and down on it until it snaps! before long, the door should come right off, giving you total sovereignty over your dishwasher and freedom to put things in and out without any interference from a door.

MRS MAY: congratulations, David — we’ve achieved the BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME for Jill and her family!

Q: Advice, please, on how to unload my dishwasher, once the door has been removed. Geoff, Harrogate.

MRS MAY: could I just chip in? I just wanted to say, Geoff, that when it comes to unloading your dishwasher, I am determined to ensure the BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME. David?

DAVID DAVIS: Well, Geoff, you’ll hear all sorts of time-wasting stuff and nonsense from the so-called ‘experts’ (!!). they’ll probably bore on and on at great length about taking out the plates one by one and stacking them neatly in silly little piles and so on!

believe it or not, they even say there’s no place for a good, solid british hammer when it comes to unloading your dishes!

I suppose it’s ‘against the rules’ (!!). Yes, that’s what the rest of us would call ‘health and safety’ gone mad!

What you urgently need is the David Davis two-step plan.

First, pick up a great bundle of dishes. And, second, chuck them over your shoulder in the general direction of the table.

OK, so most of them will smash on the floor before reaching the table, but trusty british common sense should tell you that you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.

And what about the glasses, I hear you ask? What about the cups and the mugs? What’s the best possible way of unloading them all?

Well, you don’t want to waste your valuable time by taking glasses out one by one from the dishwasher and then searching around for somewhere to ‘stack’ them!

I’m sure that ‘sur le cont-i-nong’ (!!!) they have all sorts of rules and regulations on how to put your mugs and glasses in all sorts of neat little rows, exactly 1.5 centimetres apart, and so on! total waste of time. Much better to just pick up your hammer and just smash them in the dishwasher! two seconds later, and it’s job done! then by re-ordering your mugs and cups and glasses you’ll have done your bit to regenerate british industry and make it the best in the world! MRS MAY: And in that way we’ll have achieved the BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME!

Q: In your previous answer, David, you mentioned you couldn’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. So any handy tips, David, on how to make an omelette? Mary, Swindon.

DAVID DAVIS: 1. break the eggs. 2. Go to the negotiating table. 3. bingo! After skilful negotiation, you’ve gained the shells, and they’ve agreed to take all the yolk and white off your hand. 4. serve the shells with a decent bit of british ketchup!

MRS MAY: Yes, it’s the all- shell omelette! strong and stable! It’s the BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME!