Hate crimes? I hate everything, m’lud

There’s silence in the courtroom, I’m waiting to be tried, The charge is simply ‘hate crimes’ As yet unspecified. It’s all a bit confusing, A pluralised offence, With such a vague indictment It’s a difficult defence. I trawl through all my memories Trying to find a clue But I hate just about everything So that’s not a lot of use. With no more facts forthcoming I’m in a limbo state And left with no alternative But to make the case for hate. ‘Yes, it’s a dark emotion, An ugly aberration, A plague throughout the ages On personal relations. ‘But should it be held responsible For the crimes done in its name? It’s only a precursor; It’s not in itself to blame. ‘One with hatred in his heart Still has his own free will And the deeds which follow after Not all of them are ill. ‘A violent aversion To the drudgeries of life Has led to many inventions Which lessen our daily strife. ‘If winners didn’t hate losing Then where would we be? The world would be a dull place Of drab mediocrity. ‘If we didn’t hate the bad stuff Then evil would hold sway. Should we just love everything? Is that what you’re trying to say? ‘The charges laid against me Have no reason and no rhyme. You really have no business Turning hatred into a crime. ‘A free man is the master Of all that he abhors He hates whatever he chooses And that’s no concern of yours.’ ‘The prisoner is mistaken If he’s trying to sway the jury, He’s only here for sentencing; So he can drop the righteous fury.’ ‘If that’s the case, Your Honour, I’ve a rather large amount Of other violations To be taken into account. ‘Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin A comprehensive catalogue Of my hateful sins. ‘Never-ending nannying Is something I detest. People who tell us what to do. People who know best. ‘Performers that want you to clap along This I will not do, I’ve just paid to get in, mate, I’m not working for you. ‘Pavement-parkers, predictive text, Discarded rubber bands, Things too complicated For me to understand. ‘That feeling you’ve forgotten something . . . I hate that as well. Awkward situations. Emotional farewells. ‘Unelected bureaucrats, Bryan Adams, too. Yes, I really have loved a woman — What’s it got to do with you? ‘Tennis players flinging snotty towels At some poor unpaid drudge. Daytime television, Nanoscopic sludge . . .’

(Several hours later…)

‘Sorry for any omissions, That’s most of them, anyhow. And there’s really no need for that straitjacket; I feel much better now.’ G. Bell, Eastleigh, Hants.