Thumper Rudd failed to deliver her usual rasping put-downs

WATCHING the Commons yesterday, I was reminded of one of those touristy alleys in an Asian souk where beggars proffer leprous palms, piteously croaking ‘baksheesh! baksheesh!’ as they seek alms.

Except the people doing the begging in Westminster were not walleyed unfortunates in dusty rags. They were backbench parliamentarians urging Theresa May’s Government to spend more money.

You almost never hear an MP plead with the Government to spend less money. Yet spend less it most surely needs to do, unless it goes the socialist route of increasing taxes.

Debt repayments continue to cost us a packet. The latest statistics about our overseas wealth have just taken an unexpected hit, according to the Office for National Statistics (which helpfully timed its news just as Mrs May was heading to Brussels). For all George Osborne’s boasts when he was Chancellor, the economy’s roof is not yet fixed.

Many Members will go along with the rhetoric of reducing the national deficit and making sure our grandchildren do not have to settle our debts, etc, etc.

All that sort of thing is trotted out like operatic recitative and few people bother to listen to it any more. But when it comes to their solos in the chamber, they leap to their feet, clutch their chests and – savour that earnest vibrato – demand more dosh for their con- stituencies. It happened yesterday at Home Office Questions. Time and again we heard complaints about public services being ‘underfunded’ and ‘overstretched’. Time and again ministers replied that budgets were not being cut and spending was being maintained.

You expect Labour MPs to be profligate, though that does not stop them criticising the Government for not clearing the deficit fast enough. But yesterday’s ‘more money’ brigade included such supposed small- state Tories as Philip Davies (Shipley), who worried about the police in his area not having enough money to prevent ‘a worrying rise in crime’. The new Tory from Clacton, Giles Watling, was also huffing about police budgets in his area. ‘They could do with some additional funding,’ he said, wringingly wet.

If Tories want more state spending, they should suggest where that money should come from.

Police minister Nick Hurd (son of Douglas, and with much of his father’s charm) found various ways of saying ‘no’. Mr Hurd is an accomplished dead-batter. He looks raffish – lovely curls at the back of his head – but seldom says anything sufficiently vivid to merit inclusion in the news pages. This is an attribute for a certain type of junior minister. More important, Mr Hurd does not commit the Government to greater spending.

THERE is usually something less predictably safe about the Home Secretary, Amber rudd. She may sound like Norman Fowler in drag but most days she has the added quality of simmering truculence. Keep her well out of range of jojutsu staves or she could soon set about us all like Inspector Clouseau’s manservant Cato Fong.

But after her verbal assaults on Boris Johnson in recent weeks, Thumper rudd seemed less keen to give Labour MPs the what-for they deserve. Yesterday she faced a parade of Labour MPs who leadenly read their questions off scripts. What plonkingly useless parliamentary performers the likes of Stephanie Peacock (Barnsley E), Holly Lynch (Halifax) and Paula Sherriff (Dewsbury) looked, bleating lines off hand-held paper texts. They cried out for a rasping put-down but Miss rudd was disappointingly mild in response.

Same when we got on to Brexit. The day had begun with Ken Clarke (Con, rushcliffe) on radio 4 gaseously dismissing public opinion and saying his parliamentary chums (he called them ‘my Members’, as though leading a party) had the right to ignore the EU referendum vote.

In the Commons, Eurosceptic Peter Bone (Con, Wellingborough) said it obviously made sense to plan for no-deal with the unhelpful EU. ‘ Nooooo!’ screamed Labour’s Mary Creagh (Wakefield). Miss Creagh’s position was diplomatic nonsense. Did ministers say so? Nah. The political class was sticking together again.