My mum’s turned her back on me and my fiance

DEAR BEL,

AFTER three years of a long-distance relationship, I got engaged to my boyfriend two weeks ago.

We are both 25 with Masters degrees; he’s had a stable job for two years; I’ve just started a good job.

We have faced obstacles. He is Moroccan and lives in Rabat; I am British, living in France. We met when he was doing an internship in Europe. For the past couple of years he hasn’t had a visa, so we meet in countries visa-free, or I visit Morocco — which presents an additional challenge, as sharing a room is illegal unless you are married.

From the start, my mother was not happy with this relationship. I understand her fear that we might have cultural problems, but it’s not the case.

For a start, he is not Muslim, although from a Muslim background. He despises religion — his family briefly kicked him out a few months ago for criticising Islam online. In philosophy and ideals, he’s a European. I told my mother, but she’s convinced he is ‘pretending’ so he can ‘take advantage’ of me in some way.

When I broke the news of our engagement she said some very hurtful things, shouted at me, then hung up. She always lectured me about the importance of financial independence for women, yet told me my fiance isn’t suitable because he won’t be able to ‘take care of me financially’.

When I pointed out the contradiction, she said she’s ‘still old-fashioned’. She comes from a very poor family, fretting about money her whole life — although my father was welloff. They married eight months after meeting and I’ve wondered if his wealth was the attraction. Their marriage is not happy and they live apart.

At almost 26, I’m being treated like a disobedient child. She’s told my father that my fiance and I are too young to make such a big commitment — and that she now wants no contact, because I’ve chosen fiance over family.

She says she’ll send my belongings and doesn’t want to hear another word about me. We’ve always been close, messaging and phoning several times a week. Now she’s cut me off and I’m hurting very deeply. There’s a hole in my life.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I know she doesn’t want to discuss it, so the messages I’ve sent have been as if nothing has happened. It’s been two weeks and I’ve had no reply. ROSE

What a miserable situation; I am grieved to read of this turmoil. at 25, and highly educated, you are far from being a child and have every right to decide your own future.

You have lived abroad and know at first hand the cultural problems your own boyfriend has had to face, through feeling at odds with his own family and religion.

this experience — as well as the fact that your relationship has lasted for three years — leads me to have every hope that you have a good chance of creating a happy life together.

having said that, I confess that in your mother’s place I would at first have been concerned about the enormous differences between a young British woman and a man brought up in Morocco.

It is far from easy to bridge the gap between different religions, lifestyles, cultures. Your mother’s objection to your fiance might well stem from the kind of ‘old-fashioned’ (her word) feelings Jane austen wrote about; on the other hand, I’m afraid they might also stem from innate racism. It is common — indeed almost natural — to be afraid of ‘the other’, especially for somebody from a very narrow background.

Your mother refuses to believe you when

you tell her your fiance feels European in outlook — perhaps suspecting his upbringing will ultimately triumph over his current intellectual values.

In all honesty, she could be right — since nature and nurture in unison exert a powerful doublepull. But from the tone of your email she could be doing him an appalling injustice. It’s very mean- spirited of her to respond to your news with such hysterical hostility.

The information you give about her background and your parents’ unhappy marriage goes a little way to explaining it — but not very far.

Perhaps it might help to reflect that she may be very lonely: sad that her daughter lives in France and afraid that marrying a foreigner will take you farther away than ever.

Given that you have been close, I can easily understand why you feel there is a ‘hole’ in your life at the moment — but, remember, she probably feels that same way.

Yet my feeling is this impasse will not last, as I simply cannot believe that she will sustain this anger and disappointment. First and last, you are her child.

Can I suggest that instead of all these messages (this is no way to communicate, you know) you take pen and paper and write her a long, loving proper letter, spelling out in detail how much you value your mother- daughter relationship? I’m sure she will come round.