I’m in despair after losing my darling husband, son and dog

DEAR BEL

I AM writing because I feel I know you, and I feel so low and horrible I need advice.

My wonderful husband Ted and I seemed to live a charmed life in the past, with three children and a comfortable lifestyle based near Liverpool. Then, in 2007, we received the devastating news that our eldest son, David (married with a stepson), had cancer. He died in 2009 aged 34.

When Dave was ill, he found us a beautiful chocolate Labrador called Barney, who is now eight. This dog has been an absolute dream for us all, giving us so much comfort through a terrible time.

Now to the present: my lovely husband died in January after two years of illness, a heart bypass, a bleed on the brain and finally pulmonary fibrosis. He was just 72.

In the past three weeks, our dog, Barney, has been diagnosed with cancer and hasn’t got long to live.

I feel as though my world is closing in on me and I hate it, but I don’t know where to turn next.

With Barney so ill, I can’t believe this is happening to us all again, and right now I can’t stop crying. Usually I am such a strong and upbeat person, but this last blow has tipped the scales.

Neither of my beloved children, Sarah, 39, and Alan, 34, have partners, but both have houses close by. I have Ted’s sister and her husband, but my only sibling lives in Nottingham. There is no one else and I feel that our world is slowly shrinking.

What on earth are Sarah and Alan going to do if anything happens to me? How will they cope after all the sadness we have had in the past ten years?

Usually I am a very outgoing person — I still see old school and work friends, and have joined the WI with my sister-in-law — but I can’t shake off this sad feeling.

Both my children have gone to counselling and I wonder if I should do the same? I did for a short time after our son died and it did help.

My other problem is our huge house, which has been on the market for a year — but has had not one viewing. I’ve always been able to cope with the practical things life throws at me, but this is something else.

At 71, I am stuck in this empty place, and when my darling dog goes, it will feel even emptier. I can’t move on until it’s sold. Both children say it’s not the same since Dad went . . . and now Barney. What can I do?

ANNE

Readers should know that in the time between your email arriving and my return from holiday, you sent another message to say that Barney had died.

You and your children, sarah and alan, had taken the heartbreaking decision that he must not suffer.

This email made me cry as I felt particularly vulnerable — today marks the date on which my precious little Maltese dog Bonnie died two years ago.

Then you sent me a wonderful photograph of your daughter holding a brand new puppy — another adorable chocolate Labrador — whom you will collect from the breeder at the end of this month. seeing that image made my day!

I know some people say they cannot simply ‘replace’ a dog they’re mourning, but (as I explain in my book Goodbye Pet & see You In Heaven) for some people (like me and you) the love you have felt for one animal puts you into training for the next one, and you long for the space at home to be filled.

It’s not a replacement, but a continuation — a further expansion of the heart.

I’m so very happy that soon you will no longer be alone, and (as a reader wrote recently) I should mention that rescue homes are full of dogs and cats who can transform lives.

Your letter is about loss — and we both

understand that the grief felt for a beloved animal who was part of the family only serves to reopen the wounds of other losses.

You suffered the worse thing that can happen to any parent: the death of a ( in your case adult) child. Your beloved husband shared that grief, and then died, leaving you bereft.

You both loved Barney, who was a living, breathing, loving link to Dave. Is it any wonder that the shock of Barney’s diagnosis (and then the reality of his death) should push you near the edge?

Please take heart. You have been through so much, but have strength and love on your side.

Now you must look forward to your first Christmas with this new puppy, as well as your two lovely children who live nearby and (I hope) your sister-in-law and her husband.

Make the most of it — which is surely what your late husband would have wanted. Do it for him — especially as last Christmas must have been so miserable. Open champagne for Ted and for David — and toast Barney, too.

Let the bubbles burst into the air joyfully, each one carrying into the atmosphere all the love you had for them, and the love they gave right back.

Don’t worry about the future, live for now.

It may well be your last Christmas in this house, so celebrate the good years. But you should recognise that the market is sluggish at the moment — my daughter and my best friend have both had their beautiful houses for sale for a while with no ‘bites’ — so do consider you may have to drop the price, and do so boldly.

I believe it would be worth it for you to have a new start in 2018, finding a cosy little place in that area — just right for you and the baby pooch who will become a new light in your life.

Oh, good luck!