If he doesn’t propose soon, I’m off!
DEAR BEL
I’M 36 and have been with my partner for a little over two years. I probably sound really sad, but I just want to get married. I have had a few failed relationships and don’t want to put the effort into one which then amounts to nothing.
I love my partner dearly and I want the commitment from him, so that my effort will be worthwhile. I have spoken to him about this, but we don’t really resolve anything.
He says he wants to get married to me, but I don’t get a timeline. I’m at the point of saying that if we are not engaged by the third year then I’m not interested.
That would be a huge shame because we have a wonderful relationship, but I’m lost! I don’t know what to do. MELISSA
WhY is it sad to want to get married? I’m easygoing about whether people want to live together or get married, but oldfashioned when it comes to children. If people want to start a family then I do not see why they can’t be adult and make a serious commitment to each other, with all it implies.
I know marriage isn’t for ever (hardly!) but I do believe in the Marriage Foundation’s ( marriage
foundation.org.uk) manifesto: ‘We want to see fewer relationships breaking down and more people forming healthy, stable relationships. This would mean fewer people being drawn into the family justice system — not the 500,000 each year as now.
‘Fewer children whose wellbeing and life chances are diminished. Fewer people experiencing the emotional pain and financial costs of broken relationships. And less cost to society, not the current £44 billion each year. We believe that marriage can help build more stable relationships, and that marriages can be strengthened and helped to survive difficult times.’
So there we are, Melissa — that’s where I’m coming from. I’m sorry to mention children when you didn’t; I just feel very strongly about this and feel sad that so many women find themselves in your position.
They long for their men to commit to the relationship, to a shared future, to all the delightful small habits of a contented couple. Are you living together? I sometimes wonder if women do that too readily, because then the chaps have it all, don’t they?
But maybe that point about contentment is a problem for your boyfriend. Maybe he is afraid of ‘losing the romance’ or the ‘magic’ — or some other such nonsense.
Even if you are living together (with no exchange of rings), the excitement always disappears in time — but it’s usually replaced by something just as good. For me, that is real companionship.
Now, I’d be worried were you to make a timetable and stick to it. Surely it would be a mistake to let him know too much detail. You need to be more subtle than that — manipulative, if you like.
I dislike game- playing, but perhaps he’s the kind of man who will respond. Only you can know whether, for example, he might be more interested if you make him jealous by saying you ran into an old lover and would he mind if you went for a drink with him? he might say ‘No’, of course . . . In which case, go out with a girlfriend then look knowing when you return.
That approach could work with a certain kind of guy who needs nudging to realise the value of what he has.
Otherwise, why can you not be straightforward? Do you ask ‘When?’ if he says he wants to marry you? Do you say you are bored waiting? I don’t have a needy tone in mind, but a strong, independent one — the matter-offact voice of a woman who will up sticks if he messes her about.
You say: ‘I don’t get a timeline’ — as if the man is in charge. Why should he be? Tell him what you want for Christmas. A ring. There’s plenty in the shops.