Dr Chatbot will see you now...

Hello Mrs Jones, how’ s your Bert’ s lumbago?

The NHS is offering patients the opportunity to consult a doctor via their smartphone in the latest attempt to cut waiting lists.

More than 3,000 people have already signed up to take part in a pilot scheme.

They have been promised that thanks to new technology they will be able to ‘see’ their GP within two hours, rather than have to wait anything up to two weeks for a conventional appointment.

Mobasher Butt, a partner in the company behind the scheme, said: ‘We do everything from grocery shopping to banking online yet, when it comes to our health, it can still take weeks to see a doctor.

‘ With the NHS making use of this technology we can put patients in front of a GP within minutes on their phone.’

To speed things up, the health service is also considering using something called a chatbot — a computerised system which employs facial recognition and artificial intelligence to check symptoms and issue a diagnosis. Clearly the system is not designed to deal with anyone suffering from a serious condition. But obviously for minor ailments, it makes sense and saves time to talk to your GP over the phone.

You can always schedule a follow-up appointment in person or be redirected to hospital if the doctor thinks it’s necessary.

Ali Parsa, founder of the technology company involved, said: ‘I think this is the beginning of the end for the old-fashioned way we use healthcare.’

That’s what worries some people. The Royal College of GPs fears that it could lead to a two-tier service, given that a significant number of elderly people — those most in need of seeing a doctor — still don’t have a smartphone and have no intention of getting one.

There are also concerns many doctors will opt to give up their traditional practices and only offer consultations over the phone.

SPEAKING as someone who refuses to bank online, being only too aware of the security and privacy implications, I’d certainly be wary of divulging personal health information to a chatbot.

Seeing as hackers have no difficulty getting hold of the bank details of the rich and famous who hide their money offshore, finding out your medical history and posting your records on the internet is going to be a piece of pickle.

My main problem with the scheme, though, is what will happen once NHS bureaucrats get their hands on it.

The Government’s record when it comes to computerisation and call centres is hardly impressive.

It’s just a few weeks since health Secretary Jeremy hunt proposed that all patients should have to call the NHS 111 hotline to determine whether they can be admitted to Accident & emergency.

So it’s probably only a matter of time until some bean- counter decides that everyone will have to consult Dr Chatbot before they can talk to a real doctor.

Technology has made great advances, but facial and voice recognition software is still in its infancy. Some people, too, have trouble using their smartphones for anything other than making calls and sending the odd text.

And given that the mobile phone signal in many parts of the country is still woefully inadequate, how’s it going to work — in the middle of a flu epidemic, for example — when millions try to get through to a doctor at the same time? Stand by for something like this . . . ThANk you for ringing NhS Chatbot, the easy way to diagnose 99 per cent of common medical conditions. Treatment is free at the point of use, but please be advised that calls are charged at the standard rate of 74p per minute. Hello?

All our Chatbots are busy assisting other patients. You are being held in a queue. Your call will be answered by the next available Chatbot. Hello?

You are now connected to a Chatbot. Please speak clearly. Our sophisticated voice translation software recognises more than 200 languages, including Scribble. For english, say: ‘english.’ English. Bonjour. No, ENGLISH!

There’s no need to shout. We have a zero- tolerance policy towards patients who verbally abuse our Chatbots. how can we help you today? I’d like to speak to a doctor please.

your I’m request. sorry, I Could didn’t you catch say that again? Can you hear me now?

Please speak clearly. Our sophisticated voice translation software recognises more than 200 languages. Please speak cl@$*. . . Hello? What was that? Can you hear me now? I’m sorry, that is not a command I recognise. Please repeat slowly.

Hold on, you’re breaking up. Bear with me. I’ll go outside, the signal in the kitchen is useless. Is that any better?

Calls are recorded for training and data protection purposes. how can we help you today? I’d like to speak to a doctor.

hello, Mr Proctor. Please look directly into the screen on your smartphone so your image can be scanned by our facial recognition software. My name is not Proctor, it’s Jones. Bert’s hello, lumbago? Mrs Jones, how’s your

I’m not ringing about lumbago, I think I’ve got a problem with my adenoids. And it’s Mister Jones, not Missus.

Could you take a photograph of the affected area and send it to me, please.

Hang on a minute. What do I press to take a photo? OK, I think that’s it. There you go.

Thank you. Photo received. Please hold while I compute the image and make my diagnosis. I recommend a course of suppositories. Pardon? Suppositories. For your haemorrhoids. Not haemorrhoids, adenoids. Then why have you sent me a photo of your bottom? Eh? You’ve sent me a picture of your buttocks.

Oops. Wrong photo. Sorry. That’s our Wayne mooning on his stag night, off his Facebook page. I still haven’t got the hang of this new phone. Let me have another go.

accident nearest If you have and casualty been wish to involved department, attend in your an please NHS 111 hang hotline. up and redial the No, it’s about my adenoids. again. I’m sorry, Please could speak you clearly. say that Can you hear me now?

website You may www.drchatbot.gov.uk like to consult our for a Self- comprehensive diagnosis can list of save symptoms. time, especially in an emergency. Hello? Can you hear me now?

24 NHS hours Chatbot a day, seven is now days available a week. If ambulance, you are calling frankly you’d to request be better an off you in today? an Uber. how can we help How many more times? It’s about my adenoids.

but haemorrhoids treatable condition. are a In painful most cases, Preparation surgery h is is available not necessary. without a prescription from all good pharmacies.

Hang on, what was that? You’re breaking up again. Can’t I just speak to a real doctor?

All our doctors are busy playing golf. If you require an appointment, please be advised that the waiting list to see a GP is currently three weeks. Please hold and you will be connected to the next available Chatbot . . .