I’m gay, but the man I love and bankroll has run off with a woman

DEAR BEL I’M 45 and live with my mother. I’m gay, but only came out five years ago and have never had a proper relationship. No one has ever said they loved me. I’m ugly. No one has ever found me attractive and I hate the way I look. Bel, I am so lonely.

I know I’ve missed out on my best years. Sometimes I struggle carrying on. My mum only has me, so I have to. I could have afforded my own home, but after my father’s death 15 years ago I moved home to help — and just stayed.

Ten years ago, I met a guy through work and we became friends. He changed departments, so I didn’t see him — but just after I came out he contacted me and we met up.

He’s straight, knew I liked him and began becoming more than a mate (he initiated it, I promise). I got him a better job and did everything for him and he said we were ‘together’. He’s had all my money — but I didn’t mind because I thought I had someone who loved me.

Last year he met a girl, they moved in and now have a baby. But

Your email is heartbreaking; who could not sympathise with the plight of a decent man taken advantage of by somebody he loves? You’re not the first and you certainly won’t be the last — whatever your sexuality. Yes, all dilemmas are invariably more complex, but I he tells me he loves me and that she’s a lesbian — and all the time still takes my money.

I know what I’m doing, but I’m so scared of being on my own again. I only see him at work or if he needs some shopping at the weekend.

I can’t tell my small circle of friends how I’m feeling because my breakdown last year happened because of this guy. I’m desperate and he knows it.

If I died, the only person who’d miss me is my mum. I’ve got no one who needs me and I know in my heart that I won’t ever meet anyone due to my looks.

I’m sorry to trouble you, I know I should count my blessings as I’ve got my health, great job etc, but I feel so desperate.

Seeing this guy at work every day kills me. He’s so happy with his life and I resent that, but I know I shouldn’t and he deserves to be happy. I know I shouldn’t see him, but he’s got a hold over me. What do you advise?

HENRY

am on your side. So I’m questioning your statement that ‘he deserves to be happy’.

Considering how much this man has hurt and exploited you, such magnanimity is admirable. But I cannot share it.

You imply that you and he were in a mutually loving relationship (whether or not physical), but why did it involve you giving him money