I don’t bite — it’s stake news, says Dracula!
Over the past few days, apologies have been pouring in from world famous figures. From The Fairweather rehabilitation Clinic and Blood Transfusion Centre in Transylvania, top aristocrat Count Dracula issued an apology. This followed complaints from a number of young men and women that he had attempted to bite their necks on numerous occasions.
‘I am truly sorry if my past behaviour has fallen short of the high standards I have always imposed upon myself,’ began Dracula.
‘A number of allegations have surfaced in recent days. Many of these have been false, but I accept that some of my forcible blood- sucking may have been inappropriate. What may have been acceptable ten, 15 years ago is clearly not acceptable now.’
A top BBC star has also been accused of inappropriate behaviour by his co-stars. The unnamed Dalek, a leading figure in the Cyborg community, originally denied allegations that he had ever been hell-bent on the ultimate conquest of the known universe, or that he had used offensive language.
But in response to further allegations, he issued this apology:
‘To have been born with wheels instead of legs, and with only a sucker for one arm and a lethal ray-gun for the other, has been a burden I have had to live with. And I continue to find stairs difficult. My voice, too, has upset people, but it is the only one I have.
‘Nevertheless, I have tried to overcome these disabilities and to live responsibly. Many of my friends tell me that I am a highly sensitive individual. It was therefore deeply disturbing for me to be faced with a secret recording of myself saying, “exterminate! exterminate!”
‘This was locker-room banter, a private conversation that took place many years ago. I apologise if anyone was offended. OK, so I said it. I was wrong. I apologise. I pledge to be a better man. Now that’s enough!’
Some of his victims argued that the Dalek’s apology did not go far enough. He replied: ‘ I said I apologise, so it’s about time you all stopped whining! exterminate! exterminate!’
Two well-known females have also been forced to issue apologies. After incriminating film emerged, Alexandra ‘Alex’ Forrest, a leading editor with a Manhattan publishing company, apologised for boiling a pet bunny rabbit belonging to the young daughter of her former partner. ‘I honestly do not remember this incident. It would have been over 30 years ago. But if I did boil a young rabbit, I owe the bunny a sincere apology for what would have been inappropriate behaviour.’ Leading high- society couturier Cruella de vil, perhaps best known for her polka- dot fur creations, also apologised last week, following the emergence on the internet of historic dog abuse claims. ‘I came of age in the Fifties, when all the rules about behaviour and workplaces were different. But now it is not considered acceptable to breed dalmatians for their skins — or, indeed, any other breed of dog — except pekingeses and other little yappers, which are clearly asking for it. ‘ I sincerely apologise to those dalmatians who claim to have been traumatised by my past actions. This is a wake-up call. I am now embarking on a journey to learn about myself and conquer my demons, helped by a team of therapists. For the time being all inquiries should be directed to my office firstname.lastname@example.org.’
ApOLOgIeSfor past behaviour have also emerged from leading members of the extraterrestrial community.
‘Behaviour that may have been considered perfectly normal ten or 15 years ago is now, rightly, abhorred,’ said top movie star Alien, who is currently undergoing therapy.
‘I now realise that it is wholly unacceptable to make a habit of bursting from other people’s chests without warning,’
And Jaws has also issued an fulsome apology, after 40-year- old film emerged of the leading Beverly Hills- based shark attacking holidaymakers on Amity Island. ‘I caused a lot of pain,’ he said.
Following a period in rehab — ‘where I resolve to become the kind of shark my children can be proud of’ — Jaws is hoping to re- launch his movie career. Associates say he plans to move into the field of musical comedy, as he has always been proud of his winning smile.