I don’t bite — it’s stake news, says Drac­ula!

Daily Mail - - News - Craig Brown www.dai­ly­mail.co.uk/craig­brown

Over the past few days, apolo­gies have been pour­ing in from world fa­mous fig­ures. From The Fairweather re­ha­bil­i­ta­tion Clinic and Blood Trans­fu­sion Cen­tre in Tran­syl­va­nia, top aris­to­crat Count Drac­ula is­sued an apol­ogy. This fol­lowed com­plaints from a num­ber of young men and women that he had at­tempted to bite their necks on nu­mer­ous oc­ca­sions.

‘I am truly sorry if my past be­hav­iour has fallen short of the high stan­dards I have al­ways im­posed upon my­self,’ be­gan Drac­ula.

‘A num­ber of al­le­ga­tions have sur­faced in re­cent days. Many of these have been false, but I ac­cept that some of my forcible blood- suck­ing may have been in­ap­pro­pri­ate. What may have been ac­cept­able ten, 15 years ago is clearly not ac­cept­able now.’

A top BBC star has also been ac­cused of in­ap­pro­pri­ate be­hav­iour by his co-stars. The un­named Dalek, a lead­ing fig­ure in the Cy­borg com­mu­nity, orig­i­nally de­nied al­le­ga­tions that he had ever been hell-bent on the ul­ti­mate con­quest of the known uni­verse, or that he had used of­fen­sive lan­guage.

But in re­sponse to fur­ther al­le­ga­tions, he is­sued this apol­ogy:

‘To have been born with wheels in­stead of legs, and with only a sucker for one arm and a lethal ray-gun for the other, has been a bur­den I have had to live with. And I con­tinue to find stairs dif­fi­cult. My voice, too, has up­set peo­ple, but it is the only one I have.

‘Nev­er­the­less, I have tried to over­come these dis­abil­i­ties and to live re­spon­si­bly. Many of my friends tell me that I am a highly sen­si­tive in­di­vid­ual. It was there­fore deeply dis­turb­ing for me to be faced with a se­cret record­ing of my­self say­ing, “ex­ter­mi­nate! ex­ter­mi­nate!”

‘This was locker-room ban­ter, a pri­vate con­ver­sa­tion that took place many years ago. I apol­o­gise if any­one was of­fended. OK, so I said it. I was wrong. I apol­o­gise. I pledge to be a bet­ter man. Now that’s enough!’

Some of his vic­tims ar­gued that the Dalek’s apol­ogy did not go far enough. He replied: ‘ I said I apol­o­gise, so it’s about time you all stopped whin­ing! ex­ter­mi­nate! ex­ter­mi­nate!’

Two well-known fe­males have also been forced to is­sue apolo­gies. Af­ter in­crim­i­nat­ing film emerged, Alexan­dra ‘Alex’ For­rest, a lead­ing edi­tor with a Man­hat­tan pub­lish­ing com­pany, apol­o­gised for boil­ing a pet bunny rab­bit be­long­ing to the young daugh­ter of her for­mer part­ner. ‘I hon­estly do not re­mem­ber this in­ci­dent. It would have been over 30 years ago. But if I did boil a young rab­bit, I owe the bunny a sin­cere apol­ogy for what would have been in­ap­pro­pri­ate be­hav­iour.’ Lead­ing high- so­ci­ety cou­turier Cruella de vil, per­haps best known for her polka- dot fur cre­ations, also apol­o­gised last week, fol­low­ing the emer­gence on the in­ter­net of his­toric dog abuse claims. ‘I came of age in the Fifties, when all the rules about be­hav­iour and work­places were dif­fer­ent. But now it is not considered ac­cept­able to breed dal­ma­tians for their skins — or, in­deed, any other breed of dog — ex­cept pekinge­ses and other lit­tle yap­pers, which are clearly ask­ing for it. ‘ I sin­cerely apol­o­gise to those dal­ma­tians who claim to have been trau­ma­tised by my past ac­tions. This is a wake-up call. I am now em­bark­ing on a jour­ney to learn about my­self and con­quer my demons, helped by a team of ther­a­pists. For the time be­ing all in­quiries should be di­rected to my of­fice cruella@fabpup­py­coats.com.’

ApOLOgIeS­for past be­hav­iour have also emerged from lead­ing mem­bers of the ex­trater­res­trial com­mu­nity.

‘Be­hav­iour that may have been considered per­fectly nor­mal ten or 15 years ago is now, rightly, ab­horred,’ said top movie star Alien, who is cur­rently un­der­go­ing ther­apy.

‘I now re­alise that it is wholly un­ac­cept­able to make a habit of burst­ing from other peo­ple’s chests with­out warn­ing,’

And Jaws has also is­sued an ful­some apol­ogy, af­ter 40-year- old film emerged of the lead­ing Bev­erly Hills- based shark at­tack­ing hol­i­day­mak­ers on Amity Is­land. ‘I caused a lot of pain,’ he said.

Fol­low­ing a pe­riod in re­hab — ‘where I re­solve to be­come the kind of shark my chil­dren can be proud of’ — Jaws is hop­ing to re- launch his movie ca­reer. As­so­ciates say he plans to move into the field of mu­si­cal com­edy, as he has al­ways been proud of his win­ning smile.

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