Can I stop my son running off with his pushy girlfriend?

DEAR BEL,

I WAS always close to my youngest son, but last Christmas he announced he was quitting university after one term and we had a bit of a falling out.

This was a massive shock, as it took a lot of effort to get there and he was so happy, texting me to say so.

Yet for a few years he’d worshipped (from afar) this girl from school, but she had a boyfriend. She went off to a different uni, but by November 2016 she’d decided to quit. So he did, too. He said he’d been unhappy and thought about suicide, but I didn’t believe him.

He then started living with her at her parents’ (calling it ‘home’) and they haven’t been apart since. Mother’s Day was ruined because she kept phoning during our meal, so he said he had a panic attack and left!

All summer they worked and saved to go travelling in Europe. Before they left, he was to have tea with his brother and me on the Wednesday, then we would take her out for dinner the next night.

He said he wanted to bring her to tea, too; I suggested it would be nice for us three to have a bit of time together (I split up from his father 11 years ago and brought them up single-handed). He didn’t like this. My eldest protested that she isn’t part of the family — just like his own girlfriend, and his gran, his aunt etc. It wasn’t a slight on her, because I was taking them out next day!

But the girlfriend took umbrage and cancelled our meal. I have tried to be friendly and I bought her a lovely birthday present — a basket filled with things for their travelling — but she didn’t even text me ‘thank you’.

Her parents are meeting them from the airport etc — and my elder son is angry because his brother makes no time for us at all. They have quite a tense relationship. I feel really rejected and texted him to say so.

I need him to know he is being hurtful to me. The girl seems to have a hold over him so that he is incapable of saying no to her. This behaviour is very unlike him, he is normally a very thoughtful boy.

Shall I not contact him and let him come back to me?

I am very worried that he may think I don’t care. Or shall I put up and shut up, even though I don’t agree with what he is doing and as a mother I still need to steer him on the correct path?

Oh, You have no idea how sympathetic I feel. Many years ago, when my son (then 23) called off his wedding, then went to live with a different lady, I didn’t see him for six months.

We had always been very close, indeed. It all seems like a bad dream to me now — and from that standpoint I do want to counsel you to be very, very careful. I can’t emphasise it enough, because your letter makes me worried, especially your last thought. I can understand how disappointed you are that your son gave up his university course, but perhaps it wasn’t the right thing for him to do.

Yes, I was there, too — but my response was to tell my son that I didn’t require him to have a degree and we must work out something else he could do. That took the heat off right away.

Believe me, I absolutely see why you — after a terrible experience in your marriage (mentioned in your longer letter) — clung to your boys and a brave determination to give them a good life.

Of course you want the best for them both. Nevertheless, there comes a point (I’m afraid) when no mother on earth can ‘steer’ a son or daughter ‘ on the right path’. Not if that person thinks it’s time to drive themselves. As parents, we have to accept that. I know how hard it is, but this is the only way to avoid terrible, terminal conflict. In your position, I would be mad and worried as hell that this girlfriend seems to be a bad influence on your son, and I’d also wish her parents had perhaps been more sensible.

But I’d do some deep breathing and tell myself that I must play it carefully to avoid losing him for ever. I would contact him cheerfully, saying you hope to see them both soon.

I wouldn’t bang on about how he’s hurting and neglecting you (martyrs can be a pain, you know) and I’d warn his big brother off nagging, too. None of it will do any good — not when he is in the throes of his first great love.

You must be patient and think long-term. The best you can hope for is that this relationship fizzles out in time and that he is strong enough to accept that — and pick up his own life again.

he will always need you (especially as he doesn’t sound a very strong character) so for now to ‘put up and shut up’ will be the most helpful strategy.

Apart from perhaps asking what he suggests you could give her parents, as a Christmas gift for the household.