I’m at a loss over my sister’s grief

DEAR BEL,

MY PROBLEM seems trivial, but it’s worrying me.

Last October, my sister lost her partner of over 30 years. My husband and I have tried to give her support. She was at our house almost every weekend and spent last Christmas with us — not a great house guest — hardly speaking and not joining in. We encouraged her to try new things and also carry on her volunteering work.

Things are a little better, but she still looks to us for social life. When her partner was alive, her life revolved around him and she dropped friends.

We invited them to stay with us for Christmas six years running, but they never came. My problem is that my wonderful second husband has three lovely sons and six grandchildren — all very close — who have welcomed me into their lives. They’ve invited us for a big family Christmas, but have not included my sister. We have also a large group of friends and one has asked us to their house at Christmas.

Gently, I’ve tried to ask my sister if she has any plans for the Christmas period. She said: ‘I suppose I’ll come to you.’ When I mentioned we may be away, I got a stroppy reply: ‘Don’t worry about me, do what you want.’

I care about my sister a lot — but also think my husband should be able to stay with his son in Scotland and see his family.

I won’t enjoy Christmas if my sister is sitting on her own over the festive period. I feel stuck in the middle and don’t know what to do. Any advice?

ANNA

There’s nothing ‘trivial’ about your poor sister’s ongoing grief and isolation, nor your dilemma. regular readers may remember last week’s And Finally — how sustaining active relationships can help to keep loneliness at bay. Your email underlines my point; describing a woman who didn’t bother with friends or family, but lavished all love and attention on her partner.

Like a machine, the heart can become ‘rusty’ with lack of use. Now, without him your sister feels she is nothing — and this has made her less than brilliant company. It’s a painful truth, but not your fault.

It’s hardly surprising your sister was poor company last Christmas, since she’d lost her partner just two months earlier. since then you say she’s a ‘little better’ — nevertheless the one-year anniversary last month must have opened the wound of her grief.

Do you really understand that — and I mean really understand?

I ask in that way, because I’d like you to interpret her morose reply to your Christmas question as not so much ‘stroppy’ as sad. sometimes we look for a negative connotation in somebody’s words, in order that we may allow ourselves to feel cross or frustrated with them. I’m not suggesting you feel cross with your sister, but suspect you’re a bit frustrated — as well as torn. You’re right your husband should be able to spend Christmas with some of his wonderful family, and I’m delighted you are so blessed with love and friendship.

have you asked your husband what he thinks? It may be that he, being a kind man, will want to ask his lovely family whether your sister can be included. Could you three stay at a hotel near the family in scotland, joining the others for part of the day? That way you could have dinner on Christmas eve, exchange gifts in the morning, then visit.

If this won’t work, then do you know someone else in your wide circle of friends who will be alone? You could book them Christmas dinner at a local hotel — as your treat. If these suggestions fail, you might have to face the fact that she will stay home.

Maybe one of your friends would stop by for an afternoon visit? Or is there a local soup run or charity meal she could volunteer at? You cannot force your sister to reach out to others, but you can try. If she chooses to stay home, then a shortish trip to scotland and a Christmas phone call to her on the day is all you can do. You could offer her a merry New Year with some of your friends.