Is it just ME?

Or should hairdressers cut the jargon?

‘DOES your hair “jump up” as it dries?’ asked my new hairdresser. ‘Erm . . .’ I said.

She tried again: ‘Shall I cut to below the collarbone, on the collarbone, or just above the collarbone? Or on the shoulders?’ I said what I always say on these occasions: ‘Whatever you think will look nicest.’ Then I went home and wore my hair in a bun for a week.

Do other people know the answers to these questions? Do you have a ready response to the hairdresser? ‘Is your hair dry or oily?’ ‘Are you more split ends or dandruff?’ ‘Straight or wavy?’ ‘One shampoo or two?’ ‘Conditioner on the

Barrel brush or tongs? Flicky or not flicky? Oh, just let me read my month-old Grazia in peace!

lengths or all over?’ ‘Spray or mist?’ ‘Mousse or gel?’

I wave my hands as if to conjure the dream hairdo: ‘Could it just be sort of like now, but shorter?’

I’d left it a year since my last haircut, defeated by the salon inquisition.

‘Where is your parting?’ successive hairdressers have asked, frowning and combing my hair back and forth. ‘Middle-rightish?’ I’d try. They’d frown again and twitch their comb.

I went to the new place hoping to find a hairdresser who would cut, but not chat. No luck. ‘Barrel brush or tongs?’ ‘Flicky or not flicky?’ ‘Fringe or layers?’

‘Oh, shave it all off!’ I want to howl. ‘Just let me read this month-old Grazia in peace.’ This isn’t like me. In normal life, I have an opinion on everything. But when it comes to leave-in conditioners, I am adrift.

My hair is now just above my collarbone. It did, indeed, ‘jump up’ as it dried. I’m thinking of leaving it for another year. Maybe two.

When it gets more rat’s tail than Rapunzel, I’ll give my partner a pudding basin and the kitchen scissors and tell him to do his worst. So long as he keeps shtum as he does it.