Christmas begins with a Biggins ...

You Want A White Christmas. You’d Settle for An Off-White Christmas. You Get A grey Christmas with slush and black ice, 80mph winds, the TV on the blink and bus replacement services operating on all train lines north of Land’s End. You Want An office party where everyone bonds. You’d Settle for An office party where no one fights. You Get Janine from Accounts in tears because Rob from HR has been rude about her bum. Jeff from Production headbutting Steve from R&D, who’s now threatening him with legal action. The deputy manager’s PA, Sue, claiming that her boss has been behaving inappropriately and Glenda from Finance lashing out at the entire office because no one’s bothered to talk to her. You Want Everyone standing in respectful silence for the Queen’s Speech. You’d Settle for Everyone sitting in respectful silence for the Queen’s Speech. You Get The teenagers switching channels halfway through Her Majesty’s second sentence because a repeat of TOWIE is about to begin on the other side with Dad saying ‘Show some respect!’ and Granny saying ‘That’s ruined my Christmas’. You Want A Luxury Swiss Chocolate Assortment that’s beautifully wrapped. You’d Settle for: Ferrero Rocher in tissue paper. You Get: A half-chewed Curly Wurly in a Londis carrier bag. You Want Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl. You’d Settle For I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day by Wizzard. You Get Christmas In Smurfland by Father Abraham and The Smurfs. You Want Peace and Goodwill to All Mankind. You’d Settle for Peace and Goodwill in this house. You Get Sally and Simon falling out over whether you have to build four houses on each property in Monopoly before you can build a hotel and Margaret saying she’ll never speak to Mike again after what he said about her mother, while on Any Questions four MPs you’ve never heard of bicker about post-Brexit trade deals. You Want A cracker joke to make you roar with laughter. You’d Settle For A cracker joke to make you titter. You Get ‘Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.’ You Want Lily James as Cinderella, James Norton as Buttons, and Simon Russell Beale and Mark Rylance as Ugly Sisters. You’d Settle for Michelle Dockery as Cinderella, Ed Sheeran as Buttons and Christopher Biggins and Lionel Blair as Ugly Sisters. You Get Jodie Marsh as Cinderella, Peter Andre as Buttons and Neil and Christine Hamilton as Ugly Sisters. You Want Champagne. You’d Settle For Prosecco. You Get A choice of tea or coffee. You Want Little Gemma to play the part of The Virgin Mary. You’d Settle for Little Gemma playing the part of the Innkeeper’s Wife. You Get Little Gemma as sixth sheep from the left for the third year running. You Want The turkey to be cooked by 1pm. You’d settle for The turkey cooked by 1.45pm. You Get The turkey still spouting blood at 4.15pm, and the bread sauce burnt to a frazzle.