The Queen

HOW TO SPOT HER: Look for the corgis and listen for a blast of bagpipes played by her loyal piper. She’s not as stuffy as you’d think — ‘The Boss’ frowns at extravagance and dislikes having to switch on the second bar of her electric fire before at least mid-December, so try not to shiver.

HOW TO GREET HER: Curtsey and call her ‘Your Majesty’ or ‘Ma’am’ until directed otherwise. Her husband calls her ‘Cabbage’.

WHAT TO SAY: Talk about horses, tartans and the merits of a strong gin and Dubonnet (she loves them).

WHAT NOT TO SAY: ‘So how long before I can move into Buckingham Palace?’