ducHess kate

HOW TO SPOT HER: She’s the one with all the children. Courtiers and those rotten, rotten journalists will try to create tension between you and pretty Kate, claiming you will be rivals in the fashion stakes. Tsk! How could anyone suspect lovely Kate of being competitive? Don’t try to match her for total perfection in all things. One, it will send you mad. Two, the British people would like a princess with a slightly more earthy approach to life.

If you happen to run into

her parents, you’ll find they are stalwart members of the provincial bourgeoisie. But they may try to turn you into a doll for sale through their Party Pieces company.

HOW TO GREET HER: You should probably curtsey if William is present, but she’ll only think you’re being ironic and resent you for it.

WHAT TO SAY: ‘I can’t wait to meet your mum — she was an air hostess just like mine.’

WHAT NOT TO SAY: ‘People in trade are just so tacky, aren’t they?’