He’s retired... but still won’t lift a finger!

NOVELIST, grandmother-of-four and ex-Blue Peter presenter Janet ellis, 62, answers your questions . . .

QMY HUSBAND and I are both 65. I’ve been looking forward to retirement for ages, but now it’s here, I find myself resenting him: he still expects me to do all the housework.

When we were both working, this made sense — his hours were much longer than mine. Yet I’d assumed we’d share it out more equally when our situations changed.

Instead, he has continued to do nothing, except for taking the bins out once a week and cooking the occasional meal — for which he seems to expect a pat on the back. I am left with the majority of cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing.

It’ s driving me mad! Especially when he asks: ‘What’s for lunch?’

Every time I try to confront him, he sees it as ‘nagging’ and replies that he ‘wouldn’t know where to start’. What can I do?

AIN THEORY, everyone knows that retirement isn’t either a) a holiday in your own house, or b) a permanent state of joy once you’re relieved of the daily grind.

even so, anticipation is high and the reality can be hard to bear. there should be a whole chapter on ‘managing expectations in retirement’ in the Book of Life. As it is, we all start with a blank page.

however much you’d fantasised about your both leaving work, you couldn’t have predicted exactly how it would feel once you were actually at home together all day. you’re not alone in not having discussed how you’d manage your time beyond trips and treats but, even if you had, the realisation that this is a permanent state is tricky. the transition your husband has had to make from worker to unemployed pensioner is hard, but he needs to toughen up and knuckle down. housework doesn’t care how much you used to earn. And your husband can’t pretend he doesn’t know what needs doing. Whether you knew it or not, you prioritised his job over yours and allowed him a free pass. now you’re both having to cope with a new sense of equality. he may never relish household management, but those jobs aren’t your idea of fun either. It’s important you don’t make him feel he’s merely helping you out. no going round after him and clearing up again ‘properly’! Do you want clearly defined tasks or do you imagine sharing them? the house is your joint responsibility, but so are your plans and dreams. you need to remind yourselves of what matters in your relationship and the things you value in each other. thinking housework is just your domain and that you’re somehow better at it is lazy and selfish. I’m sure your husband is neither, but you’re both avoiding the bigger, more scary aspects of your future by focusing on this issue. It’s exciting you’ve got a new path ahead of you — but you’ll both need to sweep it!