I ditched him, but it’s me who’s sad

DEAR BEL, I’M 62 and last Easter I left my boyfriend of two-and-ahalf years.

I loved him very much, but felt exactly the same as the 36-year-old who wrote to you recently because she wanted a proposal.

He asked me to move in and ‘play at being Mr and Mrs’, but I felt I couldn’t. It felt that all the balls were in his court. Within a fortnight he had met someone else and they are still together.

I have been devastated, especially as my first husband left me after 30 years for another woman. I then remarried, but it didn’t last long, as my second husband was violent.

I asked my boyfriend back on many occasions after I left. Leaving was very difficult, but I didn’t want to waste any more time on a relationship to which he wasn’t totally committed. He wouldn’t take me back, as by then he had found the other woman.

He says the break-up was all my fault, as I chose to leave, so he feels justified in finding somebody to appreciate him. He says he spent lots of money on me and took me on nice holidays, so that proved his commitment.

I’m still terribly upset by it all, but my counsellor says I should be able to move on now, as life is too short.

It is 13 years since my first husband left and to fall in love again was something I never imagined would happen. I’m devastated it has gone wrong. I know I need to move on, but how? ELAINE

GIVEN your painful marital history, I have great sympathy. But if you could turn back the clock, would you now be so ruthlessly decisive? Believe me, I can understand why you (like 36-year- old Melissa, whose letter was published on November 4) wanted the form of commitment called marriage, as it is natural to want to hear formal vows.

But that young woman might have heard the biological clock ticking, which is a good reason for seeking commitment. For you, at 62, the issue was a standand-deliver demand for proof of affection and maybe financial security.

Naturally, I wish you hadn’t gambled, only to lose. You and he might have gone on having fun for a very long time indeed without that piece of paper — which is no guarantee of anything very much, as you know, given two previous marriages.

There will be many people reading this who, living happily with a partner, will bridle at the words ‘waste any more time on a relationship to which he wasn’t totally committed’. Why was it a ‘waste’? Surely you could have retained your independence by not moving in with him but gone on enjoying good times and holidays?

It is rather shocking that he met somebody else quite so speedily — but then, some men and women move on very quickly.

There can be no going back, as you know — and I wonder if part of your ‘terrible upset’ is anger at yourself for making the wrong call.

You did the right thing in seeking help, but should allow your counsellor to give you advice. In my experience, if he or she is actually telling you it’s time to ‘move on as life is short’ (which they don’t usually do), you must have reached a stage in the sessions when nothing much more could be said.

So please, use the coming weeks as a time for reflection and resolve that 2018 will see you make a new start.

You must have poured out all your disappointment about marriage to your counsellor, so it’s time to tell yourself you don’t need that legal proof of your worth — you can be your own person, with a strong commitment to both independence and new friendships. But you will only ‘move on’ if you admit the necessity of compromise in

all relationships.