Help! What CAN I buy for my son’s wife?
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 62, answers your questions . . .
QAS CHRISTMAS approaches, I face the same old problem. I never know what to get my daughter-in-law. She doesn’t need anything as she has everything already! I put a lot of thought into picking something I think she might like, and although she acts pleased when she unwraps her gift, I never see her wearing anything I’ve bought her. I’ve a feeling she re-gifts my presents to other people. I feel like giving up and saying let’s not do presents this year.
APresents! they’re a sparkly, gift-tagged minefield. Are we spending too much or too little on something the recipient might not even want? Is it more to your taste than theirs — and will they judge you accordingly? As for re-gifting, passing on something you’ve received is meanspirited towards whoever you’re giving it to.
But back to your daughter-in law. In an ideal world you’d be close enough to know what she’d like, but I sense you feel a bit intimidated by her.
she doesn’t have ‘everything’ of course. she doesn’t have an honest relationship with you. But what she does have is your son — and that’s making you feel shut out.
Unless she displayed or wore your gift and mentioned it constantly, you’d always suspect that her pleased reaction was fake and that she gave whatever you’d given her away.
I doubt she feels utterly relaxed about getting presents from you. It must be hard for her to act normally when you’re watching her reaction so closely. How do you behave when you open your present from her and your son (I’m assuming they gift together)? Do you exclaim it’s the best present ever? I doubt it, but I’m willing to bet your reaction isn’t entirely natural. there’s a lot of unspoken angst on both sides. If you suddenly suggested not giving each other anything, I think she’d be puzzled and hurt. By the sound of it, she’s trying to be enthusiastic. What you could suggest, though, is that you go shopping with her this year to buy her something she’d really like. Buying clothes or jewellery for someone else is always risky. How many people would you trust to get it right for you? But if that’s the sort of thing you’d like to get her, it makes sense to let her choose for herself. If the outing’s a success, you could even ask for her help in finding gifts for your son. the relationships our children build will never fully include us, but we can create our own bond with their partners. You may find you have even more in common if the two of you have a chance to chat alone. If that’s out of the question, ask your son what to get her. In trying to please her, you’re also trying to prove to him that you approve of his choice of wife. that’s a lot of weight for a little parcel to carry. It’s time to leave acting to the panto cast and get real. that would solve your, um, present, crisis and ensure happy Christmasses — and genuine delight — for years to come.