How to stay sane this Christmas
RACHEL KELLY had a nervous breakdown as she hosted her annual party. It took two years for her to recover. Read her survival guide to the most stressful time of year . . .
ALTHOUGH I now consider myself calm and well after a long battle with depression, I approach the festive season with a touch of trepidation. Over a decade ago, one cold evening in December, I had my second major breakdown. For several weeks I had been ignoring the warning signs that I was heading for a serious, anxiety-driven depressive episode. As the nights darkened, so did my mood. I began to suffer from creeping insomnia. My tinsel and turkey to-do list seemed neverending. I worried about everything from the Christmas pudding to finding the right presents.
I was in my late 30s, trying to be all things to all people: the perfect mother of five small children, the eldest of whom was only nine; wife to my husband Sebastian, who worked in financial services; as well as being a good friend and neighbour. It was a battle to keep all my heavily loaded plates spinning.
I went back over the same worries again and again, like a skater who carves ever deeper patterns in the ice. My high anxiety levels, brought on by stress, only worsened with end- of-year deadlines, unrealistic expectations and my fierce determination to fulfil what I saw as all my obligations.
It was while hosting a Christmas party at our house in West london that I, and all those plates I was spinning, finally crashed.
Part of me didn’t want to host a party that particular year. I knew I was wobbly but, mad as it now sounds, I didn’t feel I could call off what had become an annual event with dozens of guests.
We always took great trouble over the occasion, the house wreathed in ivy and mistletoe, while a blow-up Santa stood on the balcony waving at the street.
At first all went well. The anxious bit of me was diverted for the first 20 minutes or so, absorbed in the rush of getting people drinks and introducing them to each other. I was racing between familiar faces as if I was choreographing a complicated dance. But I made one fatal error.
I paused to sit down in the kitchen, piled high with the canapes we were serving: I had been too nervous to eat any of the smoked salmon blinis, cheese straws and cocktail sausages myself.
As I sat there, all the symptoms I had temporarily fended off returned with a vengeance. My heart was racing, I felt nauseous and couldn’t control my anxious thoughts.
NO one seemed to notice when I slipped off and walked to my parents’ house not far away. I let myself in with the spare key they kept in the bike shed. They were, naturally, at the party I had insisted on organising. I went to the room where I had played as a child. I hoped that returning to my childhood home would restore my equilibrium. It didn’t.
An hour or so of weeping later, I crept back to my own house. Sebastian saw I was unwell and put me to bed before returning to the party, which was still in full swing.
From that moment, for the next two years, I remained in the grip of severe depression that, at times, made me suicidal.
I’m now in my early 50s and well. But in the happiness workshops I run across the country, I’m mindful that I am not the only one to feel overwhelmed at this time of year: according to the mental health charity Mind, 81 per cent of us get stressed over Christmas. And stress is the breeding ground in which depression and anxiety flourish.
My approach to Christmas is rather different now. I can’t pretend I have conquered all my anxiety, but here’s what I’ve learnt about keeping that Black Dog on a short leash — and even enjoying the plum pudding. Some changes are small but, believe me, they all add up to make a big difference.
THE 60 PER CENT RULE
Therapy has taught me to aim to replace ‘good’ with ‘good enough’, an approach that bears fruit at Christmas when relationships can be strained. I’ve lived by the ‘60 per cent rule’ for a while now.
If my Christmas is 60 per cent right, I’m doing well. Perfection is an illusion, but the pursuit of it is real and can have damaging consequences.
Beware, too, of perfectionism’s close friends, all of which are busy at this time of year: an all- or-nothing approach, workaholism, fear of failure and being overly sensitive to the judgement of others. Though my 60 per cent rule for getting things right doesn’t apply if you happen to be flying a plane or performing an operation on December 25.
LOVE YOUR NUTCRACKER
Mother nature has crafted a nearly perfect package of protein, healthy fats, fibre, plant antioxidants and many vitamins and minerals in the nuts in your Christmas bowl.
Make sure to include some Brazil nuts: they contain selenium, which plays an important role in the immune system. Almonds are a good source of calming magnesium and vitamin E, while cashews are a source of zinc, which helps with many functions including making new cells and enzymes, and which also plays a role in the central nervous system.
Zinc imbalances have been linked to a wide range of brain diseases, from Alzheimer’s to depression. And remember: mental and physical wellbeing are not just linked but indissoluble. If you remain physically calm, you will stay mentally calm.
DITCH THE PRESENTS
After a family meeting, we agreed to ditch present-giving for adults in favour of supporting a charity instead. It sounds worthy, and it is, but it’s also a wonderful time-saver. now, we all support the charities of our choice rather than receiving presents that can end up being given away anyway.
PUT YOUR GLASS DOWN
DESPITE the temptations of festive cheer over the break, go easy on the alcohol if you can. Initially, alcohol can make us feel happy, but pretty quickly this effect is reversed.
Alcohol depletes the bit of our brain responsible for making us feel jolly — and contributes to insomnia, too.
If you do drink, limit your consumption to two or three glasses, with alcohol-free days in between to give your liver a chance to recover. Choose red wine over white, as it has some health-giving properties.
When you are not drinking alcohol, drink still or sparkling water with lemon, lime, ginger and spices instead of sugary options which can leave us down after a sugar rush, and choose diet over normal sodas.
CUT WASHING-UP
AT CHRISTMAS I use paper plates and cups and disposable cutlery for some meals, to minimise washing-up (though it’s hard to admit to such un-domestic-goddess-like behaviour).
While I’m a believer in keeping sugar levels as stable as possible to avoid mood swings, our children love Magnums and choc ices, so I offer them instead of Christmas pudding — and again, there’s no washing-up.
STICK TO ROUTINES
Just because it’s the festive season, don’t alter your sleep routine too much — otherwise you risk suffering the symptoms of jet-lag even if you haven’t gone away.
All the data suggests that, as well as staying in a routine, it’s best for our mental health to get up early. People’s definitions of early vary, but forgo the lie-ins in favour of being up with our 8am sunrises at this time of year. This also means you will take advantage of the maximum hours of daylight and moodboosting vitamin D that comes from being outside.
HOLD YOUR NOSE
If you do feel your anxiety rising at the checkout till or as you realise you forgot to order the turkey, slow your breathing, making sure your out-breath is longer than your in-breath.
When we are anxious, our breathing becomes fast and shallow. Slow breathing forces our racing minds to slow down.
It can help to close one nostril with a finger, so you breathe at half the normal rate. I stop and breathe in this way perhaps 20 times a day during the Christmas madness, and I don’t mind if anyone gives me funny looks.
SOMETHING FOR YOU
IT’S easy to forget, but Christmas can be an enjoyable time — so do something you find jolly. Don’t feel guilt-tripped by putting yourself first.
Perhaps it’s going to several carol services, something I enjoy. There is evidence that singing together boosts our mood.
Carols are often full of healing, consoling and highly poetic language. Poetry has proved to be a lifeline for me. It is free, has no side-effects and helps fill up the spaces otherwise occupied by my insistent worries.
It helps with my insomnia (I can learn a poem in the middle of the night), makes me feel less alone (my poets have become friends) and gives me words to describe how I’m feeling when I cannot find them for myself. one of my favourite carols — In The Bleak Midwinter, by Christina Rossetti — was originally written as a poem, which I love.
or, for something a little more energetic, there’s always a good Christmas pop belter like Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas Is you, pumped out at high volume while you empty the bins for the umpteenth time.
THINK OF OTHERS
Volunteering offers a valuable new perspective all year round, but most of all at Christmas. Research shows we can rewire our brains to become more grateful and boost our mental health.
Helping out with the education department at a local prison leaves me with an injection of thankfulness that lasts for weeks. I will be sure to fit in a trip this week.
AND FINALLY...
Remember, you know best. Make a list of your warning signs for when you’re feeling overwhelmed as the big day nears. Put copies in strategic places.
Anticipating your triggers is the best way to defuse them — and be as gentle as you can on yourself. I try to remind myself that, for my family, the best present of all is a nice, calm me on Christmas morning.
Rachel Kelly’s The happy Kitchen: Good Mood Food, and Walking On sunshine: 52 small steps To happiness, both published by short Books, are out now.