The mothers desperate to find Mr Right — for their daughters
. . . so they’ve enlisted our help. But can any man live up to Mum’s wishlist?
AS A wedding planner, Ann Westwood attends more than her fair share of nuptials. She confesses to shedding a tear or two as her brides walk down the aisle. Not, as you may imagine, on account of being caught up in the moment, but because she’s yet to see her own daughter do the same.
At 32, Nicola, an actress, is far from finding Mr Right. Although she’s dated widely, she hasn’t had a serious relationship since she finished university — seven years ago.
Some may say time is still on her side, but her mother disagrees — to the extent that she has decided to take matters into her own hands.
‘I’m constantly trying to find her the perfect man,’ says Ann, 58, from Sussex.
‘I’ve asked my friends if they have single relatives, but they’re all attached, and I say it to my son, but he’s not very helpful.
‘Nicola’s had many dates, but is yet to find someone remotely normal. There was one guy who showed her a knife he kept in his shoe. Another took a picture of her bottom when she was at the bar — and sent it to her the next day!
‘She’s incredibly shy, which doesn’t help. It’s heartbreaking to see her so upset when yet another friend gets married or has a baby.
‘That’s why I’ve propositioned single men at weddings, asked a man at my work if he needed a partner and sent in multiple applications for the television show First Dates. Then I applied to Femail’s Blind Date column on her behalf.’
As Femail’s Date Doctor, I’ve noticed a spate of mothers writing to us in the hope we’ll find love — not for them, but for their daughters.
Women are getting married later than ever before, with the average age of a first-time bride now 30, as opposed to 23 back in the Sixties when the mothers were tying the knot.
Whether they blame their daughter’s focus on careers, modern men for being commitment-phobic or the daunting world of modern dating, many mothers are clearly confronting the wedding drought head on by playing cupid — whether welcome or not.
But is it really ever acceptable for a mum to meddle in her daughter’s love life? Doesn’t it merely heap more pressure on said daughter to hurry up and settle down?
‘There are times I would like Mum to take a step back,’ admits Nicola. ‘But usually it’s entertaining.
‘I don’t think she puts pressure on me as such, but sometimes when she tries to help it exacerbates the pressure I already feel. Annoying as it can be, however, I know it’s because she cares so much.’
DRTeRRI ApTeR, psychologist and author of Difficult Mothers: Understanding And Overcoming Their power, says: ‘It’s difficult for a mother to see her daughter long for and not find a suitable partner.’
But stepping in to help quickly becomes a minefield. Dr Apter continues: ‘Sometimes a mother, on one level, sees she’s not really helping, yet can barely contain herself.
‘She offers advice and eyes up younger men she knows with a view to assessing their suitability for a daughter; in some cases, she may even search through dating sites on behalf of a daughter — all the time knowing, deep down, that this has to be her daughter’s move and her daughter’s choice.
‘Some websites, it seems, are latching on to maternal anxiety for a daughter’s romantic happiness by targeting mothers who want to find dates for their daughter.’ A brief glance online certainly reveals many opportunities for a meddling mother — such as sites that invite people to produce dating profiles for their friend/daughter/sister and so on.
Some may wonder if the sense of urgency comes from the mother’s desire for grandchildren.
And Nicola admits: ‘Mum will tell me I need to hurry up and give her grandchildren and I know only part of that is a joke. It doesn’t help that many of my friends are married and starting families.’
But it certainly isn’t always about the ticking biological clock. Mandy Harrington has been married but is now, at 41, divorced and alone with two children, 11 and 13. She’s another whose mother pointed her in Blind Date’s direction.
Mandy says: ‘Mum thought a blind date might be better than looking online. She knows that it’s harder to date at this age and stage.
‘I’m so busy with my children and house and I work part-time at an accountant’s. These days dating revolves around social media and it’s so much more intense. When I was younger it was all about waiting for a phone call. Now it seems to be constant chatting online.’
Mandy divorced six years ago. There was a subsequent four-year relationship, which ended last year. Her most recent date was in the summer, but she is far from keen to go back online.
Her mother Marilyn, 65, met her husband at 16 and they were married at 20. Life was, in many
ways, so much simpler then. She says: ‘I’ve been married for 45 years — dating today seems so fast-paced and rather overwhelming. I think when your child is 41 you have to let them make their own decisions. But it’s not nice being on your own.
‘I was sad when Mandy’s marriage ended, but I trusted her decision. It’s heartbreaking to watch your child go through all that pain. Who can blame me for wanting to help her find happiness again?’
Mandy says: ‘I’ve been let down in the past by men, and never met the right person. I ended my last relationship because I’d rather be on my own than stay. Mum helps as much as she can, but she knows I’m very independent and will sort out things by myself if I can.’
According to Dr Apter, it’s all about getting the balance right. ‘ Does a mother listen to her daughter? She may think she is listening to the “real, deep needs” of a daughter, but she also needs to listen to what a daughter actually says.
‘If a daughter says: “Thanks, but no thanks”, and her mother respects this position, the matter can be settled without leaving the stain of long-term anger.’
But some mothers can’t help taking matters into their own hands. Alex Stylianou, 44, from Manchester, has had a number of long- term relationships, but enjoys her independence. With a great job as an aircraft records analyst and an active social life, she doesn’t feel she needs a man to complete her life.
But her mother Muriel has other ideas and always has an eye out for Alex’s ‘perfect match’... be it a tradesman, GP at her local surgery or friend of the family.
Most recently, Muriel sent Alex a message telling her about our article about Britain’s Manliest Man, Alun Pepper, who despite having been on a hundred dates remained unlucky in love.
MurIelsays: ‘everything I read about him was like a mirror image of Alex: his love of the outdoors and his zest for life. He sounded perfect, so I told her to write in.’
Can a mother really understand what her daughter is looking for in a man? While Muriel is confident that Alex ‘likes my taste in men’ (adding: ‘ Joe McFadden from Strictly is my ideal’), Alex herself says: ‘ Although Mum has liked some of my male companions, she has never seen any of them as compatible “life partners”.
‘I don’t believe she’s ever thought any of them worthy of dating me.
‘She has commented that some of the ones I’ve turned down were a good match — generally, the ones I dismissed as being oldfashioned or mentally older than their years.’
Although Muriel is yet to succeed as far as her daughter’s love life is concerned, there is a chink of light. Asked whether Alex would go on a date arranged by her mother, she says: ‘If she’s met him and spoken to him I probably would go with it because there is something that she sees in me that I obviously don’t see and I actually trust her taste.’
Meanwhile, some mothers are all too aware that their approval might well put their daughters off a man. Dorothy Black, 73, from Durham, says she’s been discouraged from asking questions when her daughter lucy, 41, a jet-setting businesswoman, goes on a date: ‘She reckons I jinx it, so for the past few years I’ve stopped asking and forced myself to keep quiet.
‘ lucy is very fussy. Quite frankly the mold has yet to be made for the guy who would suit my daughter!’
But all is not lost. We are joining forces with these matchmaking mothers to help their daughters find a date
Get in touch if you — or your son, brother, friend, colleague — would like to go on a blind date with Nicola, Mandy, Alex or lucy.
let’s find that elusive happy ending for them — and their mums!