Kiss me goodnight Sergeant Major...

THE Army is introducing a new gender-free vocabulary designed to be more friendly to women, gays and transsexuals.

Out go ‘mankind’, ‘sportsmanship’ and ‘gentleman’s agreement’.

The heart sinks. Why would women, gays and transsexuals object to any of those expressions?

What’s especially depressing is that the Army brass have gone along meekly with this nonsense. Heaven help us if we ever have to fight another proper war. How long before our soldiers have to march into battle carrying a rainbow flag?

Elsewhere, Network rail have stopped their maintenance crews calling themselves the ‘Orange Army’, after the colour of their hi-viz jackets.

I naturally assumed this was a sop to sinn Fein. But no, it’s nothing to do with Northern Ireland. It’s because rail chiefs think women will be put off joining anything called an ‘army’.

What, you mean like women don’t join the salvation Army? Or the Army, for that matter? Which is where we came in.

It’s only a matter of time before the word ‘man’ is made illegal altogether. I’m sitting here coughing my Christmas cold into a box of tissues, labelled ‘Man size’.

My wife bought them to stop me using up all her kitchen roll. Hurry, hurry, while stocks last.

This time next year, anyone asking for ‘Man size’ tissues will be arrested for a hate crime.