My true love sent... nothing but trouble

This letter, my love, is to thank you, For the unusual gifts that you’ve sent me. But I’m sad to report the partridge is poorly, He’s eaten too many pears from the tree. The turtle doves seem to have issues. They’re pecking each other in the neck. The three French hens are all sneezing, And have avian flu, I suspect. The calling birds’ phone bill is enormous, But to confiscate their phones seems so mean, And sadly the five gold rings you gave me Have made all my fingers turn green. I like geese, but please understand, dear, The mess they make is quite appalling. Also, with seven swans swimming in my tub, I can’t have a bath — which is galling. The milkmaids, although very charming, Keep slopping their milk on the floor, And with so many lords and ladies dancing It’s making my head feel quite sore. The drummers and pipers are too noisy. My neighbours have started to moan. They say that their windows are shaking And they can’t hear their TV or phone. Oh, dearest, I know that you love me. These gifts are amazing, as I said. But next year for Christmas, can I ask you To please buy me a gift token instead? Mrs Anita Bass, Theydon Bois, Essex.