Prince Harry? No shots at the stag party. John Cleese? Give up comedy!
QUENTIN LETTS suggests the tongue in cheek resolutions famous figures SHOULD be making this New Year
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
JOHN CLEESE — a change of career. Please. You were funny once, John, but the comedy thing simply isn’t working any more. MARY BERRY — trying not to look quite so delighted now that she is off Bake-Off. TONY BLAIR — to stop pretending he supports Labour. PRINCESS BEATRICE — fitness training to make sure she is in peak condition to catch Meghan’s bouquet at the Royal Wedding in May. COMMONS SPEAKER JOHN BERCOW — to make good on his promise in June 2009, when he became Speaker, to do only nine years in the Chair. DAVID CAMERON — to stop taking so many coffee-and-biscuit breaks while writing his book. It’s sedentary work, David, and the waistline is a danger. BANK OF ENGLAND GOVERNOR MARK
CARNEY — to resist the temptation of moving the Bank to Oldham (Labour wants it out of London) before he quits.
KENNETH CLARKE — to take a trip to the European parliament in Brussels so he can actually see how pathetic the EU’s democratic institutions are.
RUTH DAVIDSON — to announce her conversion to Brexit and to start the process (if it has not already begun) of humbly seeking a Westminster seat so that she can have a chance of trying to succeed Theresa May one day.
DAVID DAVIS — Lemsip three times a day for the whole of January to try to get rid of ‘the single European cold’ that has bedevilled him for the past two months.
PHILIP HAMMOND — to let someone else sit next to Theresa May at Prime Minister’s Questions in the Commons. Someone who might occasionally look a bit more cheerful about life rather than resembling a mournful vulture.
RICHARD HAMMOND — to keep to the speed limit. Please, Richard. We don’t want you having any more high-speed prangs.
PRINCE HARRY — to forswear downing shots at his stag do.
LORD HOGAN-HOWE — as one of the Met’s worst top coppers relaxes into his sun- kissed, ermine- clad retirement, how about resolving never to claim so much as a shilling in House of Lords expenses? PAUL HOLLYWOOD — to give up the dad jeans. HOUSE OF LORDS — to give Brexit a really hard time, and by doing so prove how out of touch and democratically illegitimate the Upper House is.
BORIS JOHNSON — to make repeated trips to Iran until the regime there agrees to the release of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe. STANLEY ‘I’M A JUNGLE CELEBRITY’
JOHNSON — to overcome his crippling shyness.
PAUL McCARTNEY — to give up the high notes. They’re no longer remotely in your range, Paul.
NOVELIST IAN McEWAN — after his rude remarks about the elderly and how he hoped doddery Brexiteers would soon be dead, a spell at the Norland nannies school to learn some manners.
DEBBIE McGEE — to come clean about her age. After those amazing Strictly performances, Debbie, we know you’re only in your 30s!
THERESA MAY — to make Nigel Farage a member of the House of Lords before the Upper House starts to debate Brexit. It would do the nation’s morale a wonder to hear Nigel giving the stuffy peers a piece of his mind. HER HUSBAND PHILIP — to go on the occasional late-night blitz with drinking buddies to try to rediscover the more skittish side to his life.
MEGHAN MARKLE — learn not only the various titles of all the members of the Royal Family but also, as important, the publicschool and Army nicknames of all Harry’s delightful friends.
ROBERT MUGABE — why not have a bash at becoming an after-dinner speaker in America, now that you’ve lost power? Tony Blair did it, after all. Those Yanks would love you, Bob! NATIONAL THEATRE BOSS RUFUS NORRIS — to forget the student politics and stage a few of Western drama’s classics. With so many unsold seats and nearly every show being given a critical panning, things can’t continue as they are.
GEORGE OSBORNE — visit a Tibetan monastery and ask the lamas to meditate him out of this corrosive desire for vengeance on Theresa May.
BOB QUICK (the copper who helped bring down Damian Green) — time for a general detox, perhaps. Wash away some of those acids.
WAYNE ROONEY — a dry January, and let’s take it from there.
AMBER RUDD — to concentrate on building a local political base before you start thinking about standing for the Tory leadership.
ANNA SOUBRY MP — to take regular lie- downs to prevent her becoming so tired and emotional.
CHUKA UMUNNA MP — to get out from under Peter Mandelson’s wing and discover a political personality of his own.
ARSENE WENGER — to visit a stylist and find a more chic coat to wear on the touchline at Arsenal games. That anorak is a shocker.
PRINCE WILLIAM — to ignore the critics who tell him to be less conservative. Just be who you are, Wills. People used to criticise your grandmother for being a bit stiff, too. Look how wrong they were.
WHAT THEY GOT FOR CHRISTMAS
LORD ADONIS ( ardent anti-Brexiteer who’s resigned in a huff as a Government tsar) — a special early example of the new blue British passport. Enjoy!
DAVID BECKHAM — the sash, star and insignia of the Most Honourable And Entirely Fictitious Order Of St Cedric, which is probably the only gong he is going to get after he was exposed for chasing a knighthood. KEN BRANAGH — a razor to get rid of that Moustache On The Orient Express. NICK CLEGG — blue EU- star patterned Y-fronts and vest. JEREMY CORBYN — a pair of nosehair trimmers.
DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE – a homemade card from George and a sticky Plasticine elephant from Charlotte. Best presents in the world. DOCTOR WHO — pink furry dice for her Tardis.
LEWIS HAMILTON — a gallon of Halfords antifreeze, to thaw out his cold personality.
MICK JAGGER — new lead for his pencil as it was close to being worn out.
JEAN-CLAUDE JUNCKER — Andrews Liver Salts (family pack).
DOMINIC GRIEVE — a velvet-lined presentation case for that Legion d’Honneur this Europhile, Tory rebel was awarded by a grateful French nation. LABOUR’S SHADOW CHANCELLOR JOHN McDONNELL — nothing. Marxists do not believe in celebrating Christmas. THE POET LAUREATE — a rhyming dictionary. JACOB REES-MOGG — pin- striped winceyette pyjamas and a bowler hat-shaped shower cap. KEVIN SPACEY — a chastity belt. THE THREE WISE MEN — thank-you letters. They’ve been a long time coming . . . KEITH VAZ — an alibi. DAVID WALLIAMS — a pair of glittering, size-13 stilettos.