It’s every parent’s DUTY to spare our children the most painful rite of passage of all

We all dread the heartache of sorting through Mum or Dad’s belongings after they’ve gone. But an author who’s been through it has a VERY radical idea . . .

YoU have no doubt collected some wonderful possessions during the course of your life. A beautiful antique chair, a much loved tufty teddy with glass eyes, a mug given to you by a bright-eyed grandchild.

But have you ever thought about what will happen to it all when you are gone?

After my husband died in 2005, it felt so lonely going through all the things that documented our 50 years together, it struck me we should have done the job together, starting at 65, maybe even earlier, when we were stronger.

Everyone thinks they will live for ever. But the reality, whether you like it or not, is you won’t.

which means that all those things you treasure, which you surround yourself with, will one day become an emotionally painful, not to mention time-consuming, legacy for your children and grandchildren when they are left to sort out all of your belongings.

That’s why I now passionately believe that we all have a responsibility to do what I call our ‘death cleaning’ — while we still can.

Harsh as it sounds, it’s time to sort through those possessions, set aside the treasures, cast away the rubbish. In short, downsize and de-clutter with a mind to what we leave behind.

By doing so we spare our loved ones the emotional heartache of having to wade through a lifetime of paperwork and possessions.

no matter how much they love you, don’t leave this burden to them.

Imagine your son or daughter having to take time out of their busy lives to take care of what you didn’t bother to deal with or never got round to sorting. It will be hard enough for them to deal with their grief. This adds a whole other layer on top and it can be so easily avoided.

I know a lot of old people with attics and basements full of stuff they don’t use or even remember.

Most of us have enough jackets for a Siberian winter, more shoes than a centipede could wear. I know a woman who had 12 cheese graters. In your bathroom, you might have ten years worth of half- used eyeshadows, a medicine cabinet bursting with trendy vitamin supplements that no one takes any more.

GrowIngup, we just didn’t have as much stuff. we wore clothing until it was threadbare, at which point we replaced that item and used it until it, in turn, was threadbare and needed replacing.

But people today, in developed countries, have much more than they need — and that becomes a problem at the end.

I believe it’s been called The Boomer Burden by some — as a generation, we’re wealthier than those before and have tended to have led materialistic lives full of clutter.

Perhaps we’ve inherited a sense of hoarding from wartime parents. Either way, it’s a lifestyle that will leave those who come after us with a lot of hassle.

However, many adult children do not want to talk about death with their parents, let alone suggest a good clear out. It seem pre-emptive, tactless, when in fact it’s entirely practical.

Adult children should not be afraid to raise this. we must all talk about the inevitable. If the subject is too difficult to address, then a good clear- out can be a way to start the conversation in a less blunt fashion.

I have three sons and two daughters and the other day I told one of my sons that I was going through my things.

He asked whether it made me sad, but I said no, it was a chance for me to reminisce, sifting through old clothes and photos. I am accepting the inevitable and in doing so I will make life easier for my offspring.

The difference between death cleaning and just a big clean up is the amount of time involved. This is not about dusting or mopping up, it is about a permanent form of organisation that makes your everyday life run more smoothly.

I do appreciate that going through all your old belongings, remembering when you used them last and saying goodbye to some of them is very difficult for many of us.

People tend to hoard rather than throw away. But having been faced with the task so many times — first for my mother, then my father, then my mother-in-law, then my late husband — I’ll be damned if my children have to clear up after me.

I don’t want to leave them with all that upset. There are many sad stories about siblings who quarrel because they want the same item after a parent has gone.

This type of situation does not need to happen; we can plan in advance to lessen the chances of these unhappy moments.

I had, for example, a lovely bracelet that my father gave to my mother a long time ago. It was given to me in my mother’s will.

The easiest way to avoid future complications among my children was to sell it! when I told them, they were fine with my decision, but it was mine to do with as I pleased anyhow.

Another thing people seem to forget is secrets. You may have saved letters, documents or diaries that contain information or family stories you would never wish to embarrass your descendants with — make a bonfire or invest in a shredder. Don’t put it off until another day.

The more you focus on sorting through your things while you can, the braver you will become — and your children will be so grateful when you’ve gone.

I often ask myself: will anyone I know be happier if I save this? If the answer is no, then off it goes . . . But before it does, I take a moment to reflect on the event or feeling attached to that thing, good or bad — appreciating that it has been a part of my story and of my life.

But that doesn’t mean I need to leave it behind for anyone else.

MY TIPS FOR YOUR LAST CLEAR-OUT

THInk big. If you start getting rid of big things such as furniture first, you’ll feel like you are making progress right from the start. If you begin with old letters, you will get stuck reading them, maybe over and over again, and

you won’t feel like you are getting anywhere. So start big!

TELL people around you what you are doing. That way they won’t be surprised if you call and ask if they want a vase, tablecloth, or painting that you are trying to get rid of. They might even volunteer to help you.

DrAW up lists of categories — furniture, clothes, books, linen, toys etc. focus on one category at a time. With clothes, for example, I create two piles — those I want to keep and those I want to throw or give away.

EVErYTHING in your home should have its place: hooks for keys, baskets for gloves etc. I know families who live in a complete mess (I won’t mention the names of my children!). Mess is an unnecessary source of irritation — giving items places is so de-stressing.

LABEL a shoe box ‘throw away when I’m gone’ and keep inside it all the things you would like to save for yourself alone. Things that make you remember events that you may otherwise forget — old love letters, programmes, memories from travelling — but that can be destroyed when you’re gone. ADAPTED from The Gentle Art Of Swedish Death Cleaning by Margareta Magnusson, published by Canongate Books at £12.99. To order a copy for £10.39 (offer valid to February 2, 2018), visit www.mailshop.co. uk/books or call 0844 571 0640. P&P is free on orders over £15.