Mother who did her big tidy-up at 55

JODY LAWRANCE, 57, is a yoga teacher from East Grinstead, West Sussex. She has two daughters, Sam, 39, and Lianne, 37, and a son Jamie, 34. She says:

WANDErING through my mother Sheila’s house shortly after her funeral I remember feeling overwhelmed by the daunting task ahead. This wasn’t my childhood home, but in every room, there were so many memories embedded in the furniture, paintings, and even some of the mugs and plates she used that I felt as though I was almost being suffocated by memories.

How on earth was I going to be able to decide what we should keep or give away when confronted with a lifetime’s worth of her treasured possessions?

The old piano stool that my father had made brought back particularly happy memories. It was a large old stool with a heavy wooden lid, which opened up so you could store music inside. Mum had been a talented piano teacher and had played right up to only weeks before her death.

When I was younger, one of my favourite things was to sit next to her and try to play duets like the Queen Of Sheba.

As I looked at the stool and the sheets of music and the books of watercolours that Mum, also a keen artist, had painted in her later years it struck me how desperately sad it was that we — her family — were having to sort through all her things at the saddest of times. A time when, really, we should have been able to mourn her peacefully and as a family celebrate her life.

Among all her treasured items were the more mundane things — the minutiae of life that all needed to be sorted and cleared out — her cutlery, her plates, her ornaments, her clothes.

She wasn’t a hoarder, but it still took me, my two sisters and two brothers a couple of days to clear her two-bedroom cottage. At a time when I was missing my mum, it was very upsetting.

WErE very close and we shared a lot, so there were no unexpected shocks or surprises. Mum, who was 68 and had leukaemia, knew she was dying so I’m pretty sure if she’d had any old diaries or love letters or things that she didn’t want me to see, she’d have got rid of them in the weeks leading up to her death.

But it made me think about how difficult it must be when families uncover secrets or find things out about their parents or grandparents after they’ve died which they never knew. As for all her things, as a family, we simply didn’t have the room to keep everything she’d left behind. We sent clothes and furniture to the charity shop. I took the beloved piano stool, a few sheets of music and some books of her paintings. I also kept the gold and orange shawl that she’d worn in bed during her last days and weeks — a little piece of my mum which I still find comforting. My children, meanwhile, chose an item of jewellery each, while one of my sisters took the piano and my siblings kept vases and trinkets which were special to them. But the experience stuck with me and two years ago, when I downsized from my three-bedroom house to a two-bedroom flat, it was the perfect opportunity to clear out all of my own clutter so that my children didn’t have to. Having experienced the pain of sorting through Mum’s things, I just didn’t want to put them through the same ordeal. It’s not just the emotions and the memories you have to deal with, but the practicalities of boxing and bagging up items for charity. It can take days, weeks even. Although I’m in excellent health now, I know that one day I won’t be and I’d rather be practical and look ahead, rather than live in denial up to my eyes in stuff. Otherwise, my children will face the angst of having to decide whether they should keep this vase or that book. It was actually cathartic to let go of all the ‘stuff’ in my life. I looked at trinkets and items I’d inherited that were stuck away in cupboards and thought: ‘If I don’t even use them or look at them, my family aren’t going to either’. So they all went to charity shops. I was pretty ruthless. My philosophy was that if I hadn’t looked at it for years, I was unlikely ever to look at it again. It felt cleansing and I’ve noticed I’m a lot calmer since I got rid of the clutter.

I did keep all my photographs and albums. But I gave my children all the school projects I’d kept over the years and they were delighted because they can now show them to their own children.

When it came to mum’s sheet music, I was torn. It had meant so much to me — and getting rid of it entirely felt like giving up a part of her. But what use was it to me now without a piano? So in the end, I gave it to my sister so it’s still in the family. I wasn’t quite strong enough to part with it completely.

I’ve often thought it would be a good idea to have a clearout like this. A few years ago I spent two months in India for some training in yoga and I lived out of a rucksack for all that time.

I remember thinking back then: ‘Why do I have so much junk in my house when I can live quite happily out of one bag?’ That was when the seed was sown to cleanse my life of ‘stuff’. I hope to be around for a long time, but when the day comes, it pleases me to think my children will not waste time poring over bits of old furniture in my garage.

LIANNE GENT, 37, also lives in East Grinstead with her partner Edward, 36, an off-road driving instructor. They have two sons, Ellis, 15, and Reuben, 13, and a daughter Chelsie, 20. She says:

WHEN Mum told me she was getting rid of so much stuff, I have to admit I was relieved. When I was younger, I thought I’d be attached sentimentally to all the things that belong to the people I love.

But when Nan died, I remember being invited round to her house to pick one or two items to remember her by and, without her there, just didn’t feel the same attachment. This wasn’t Nan, it was just ‘stuff’.

And having seen how long it took Mum to sort out all of her things, I’m so grateful we won’t have to do the same when the time comes.

Mum had so many bits and bobs in the loft that she didn’t need — and I certainly wouldn’t want them in my house, like the old wicker magazine rack that belonged to one of my grandparents. It had been passed down but none of us liked it. Now, I’m saved the hassle of having to sell them on eBay.

There were even lots of broken things. As a family, if we ever broke a picture frame or an ornament, we’d put it in the loft and promise to ‘fix it later’, but it never got done. No one wants to inherit a broken picture frame! I was grateful she consulted us over some things. She gave us back our school projects and I’ve enjoyed showing them to my own children. The photograph albums will pass down to us as well.

But there’s little else we’ll have to sort through. In Mum’s new flat there’s so little clutter I’ve noticed she seems calmer in herself. Now she’s done this, I know I’ll also definitely do it for my children, too. It seems like a sensible thing do to.