The key to beating loneliness
I’M IMPRESSED by the matterof-fact sense in a letter from Mr S (from Leicestershire) and want to share it.
Having read my recent article on loneliness, he observes: ‘One can empathise with those living with little social interaction . . . But many people self-handicap and make the bad decision of not pursuing independent interests while enjoying the comfort zone of a relationship.’
He makes the point that too many women live ‘defined by the relationship’: ‘They have achieved their aim of finding Mr Right and . . . they jettison hobbies and immerse themselves in the relationship.’
He says men, too, make the same mistake. Is that right? Yes, I think it often is — in the sense that people can become too inter-dependent and neglect the rest of life. Meanwhile, those who fail to find ‘the one’ feel they’ve missed out and become lonely, depressed and (as Mr S puts it) ‘introspective — in self-imposed isolation’.
I find this reader’s email refreshingly blunt: ‘I play golf and observe how many “senior” men are on the course at the crack of dawn’, because they are seemingly glad to escape demanding wives who ‘are watching the clock, unable to exploit their own freedom and pursue independent interests . . . Then, when divorce or death happen, such people are incapable of coping — perceiving inevitable moments of solitude and silence as a curse.’
It’s a good point. Somehow I suspect Mr S lives alone and, like him, I believe it is important to cultivate an inner life that can enable you to be contented in your own company.
He gives his own prescription: ‘My simple solution: join the groups you should have joined when you were married; always have excellent Radio 4 on and focus your thoughts on what you listen to; read books and newspapers . . . thus avoiding the destructive introspection that leads to feeling I’m fed up; I’m alone; I’ve got no friends.’
Don’t you think there’s some wisdom here?
Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, london W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.