My new man’s Mr Perfect on paper, but so dull in bed
In their column for Inspire, TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems...
Q I’VE been dating an undeniably lovely man for a couple of months. We get on incredibly well, have a wonderful time when we’re out for dinner and can spend hours just talking. He’s kind and sweet and funny. In my mid-40s, after a disaster of a marriage in my 30s, I felt very grateful to have met him.
But there’s one big problem. We finally slept together a few weeks ago — and it was terrible! He just wasn’t, well, very good at it.
Every time since, it’s been the same — dull and perfunctory and, frankly, no fun for me. I was hoping for a lively sex life at this stage of my life and I’m really not ready to settle for less.
He just seems incapable of getting it right. What can I do? Last time I felt so fed up that I almost ended the relationship. Would I be mad to give up a good man for this one flaw?
STEPH SAYS:
This is too important an issue simply to leave festering. There are no half-measures here. First, you must decide if this is absolutely a relationship you want to move forward with and, if so, you are just going to have to have that very honest — and, yes, awkward — conversation.
Relationships are based on truth, honesty and communication. i suggest you open a big, fat bottle of wine, take a deep breath — and tackle the subject.
The male ego can be a little fragile when it comes to discussing sex, so why not be kind, protect his and flip the situation?
You could say that you love spending time together, but you’re worried that when you’re being intimate that same connection isn’t quite there. say you’re concerned that, perhaps, he is spending too much time worrying about you.
Be positive, not critical, say that you want the relationship to flourish, but you need to get this worry out of your head. Remind him that sex is all about emotions for women, whereas men are much more visual about the whole thing. how much do you know about his background? it could be that he isn’t as confident or experienced as you may be. he could be very nervous and doing the bare minimum for fear of getting it wrong. You owe it to yourself to give the problem at least a good airing.
his response will be very telling. if he reacts well to the conversation, then you could move things on by trying to give him a few pointers once you are in the bedroom. You do say in your letter that, at this stage in your life, you are looking for a ‘lively sex life’. Do be sure you are both on the same page there — it could be that he’s simply not highly sexed. if you have the chat and he won’t engage with the topic at all, or things still don’t improve, then i think you have your answer.
You’ve got the experience of your bad marriage under your belt, so i wouldn’t advise you staying in a relationship where one — very important — aspect of it doesn’t make you happy. DOM SAYS: Oh DEAR, oh dear. Things do get awkward when the subject of sex raises its ugly head, don’t they? But before we get to the issue of the disappointing bedroom performance, there are some other things in your letter that concern me. You describe this man as ‘kind, sweet and funny’. are you talking about your boyfriend or a puppy? it really doesn’t sound to me as though he has knocked your socks off. if, given your difficult marriage breakup, you are only looking for a Mr Right this man may not be the one for you. if you’re on the fence anyway, then the kindest thing would be to just end things nicely and move on. however, if i have this wrong and you are bowled over by this man, then i am delighted for you as it sounds as though you have had a very rough time with your marriage break-up. as i see it, you have three options: you put up with it, you end things and move on, or — my preferred choice — you take control and discuss it. it could be that this man is nervous or carrying a lot of baggage with him from previous relationships that’s making him feel insecure. Whatever the reasons, there is every chance this problem is surmountable. My advice is to tackle the issue once you are in the bedroom in an intimate situation. i think to raise the subject anywhere else — over dinner, for example — will be awkward and intimidating. You are going to have to put yourself in the driving seat and let him know what works for you sexually. some men love a sexually confident, in-control woman and hopefully this man will be one of them. But sex isn’t the be-all and end-all in a relationship and there are many couples happy to settle for a less fulfilling love life in return for things such as companionship. Your letter suggests you are not one of them, which means you have to address the problem quickly. if this man turns out not to be the one for you, then don’t worry. Bide your time and wait for Mr Right — one who ticks all your boxes with no need for you to settle for something that you’re not entirely happy with.