I’m feeling so trapped caring for my poorly older lover

DEAR BEL, MY FIANCÉ John and I have been together for two years; he’s 23 years older and suffers from early onset Parkinson’s.

He and his estranged wife continued to live together until he moved in with me. Ever since, they’ve been embroiled in an acrimonious divorce.

Despite my fiancé paying her 90 per cent of his monthly income, she obstructs his access and tells their three teenagers she has no money for school trips or holidays because their dad won’t pay her. But she spends plenty with her new boyfriend . . .

I also have the ongoing stress of John’s condition. When we first got together, I left my job to work with him as he had a greater earning capacity and I wasn’t particularly happy were I was. The idea was I’d work but still be around to physically help him. It’s been a disaster. The businesses he’s involved with have behaved badly and it’s just horrible.

John’s capacity to earn in the future worries me. If he gets worse, will I need to get a job and then how can I look after him as well? I don’t know if I want children, but feel I can’t even consider it — how could I look after everyone? I do almost everything around the house.

I rarely get a full night’s sleep as he needs help in the night, and then there’s the constant care. Generally, he remains positive and handles his condition admirably. But he often forgets to take his drugs, or even order them. This refusal to deal with things is continuous and means I have to pick up the baton. I just can’t help being so angry, then feel so guilty.

We don’t have any family nearby. John’s mum died, and his dad has disowned him, because of the poison he’s been fed. We constantly help my family out financially.

I don’t have many friends. If I do go out, it isn’t worth the hassle as John questions me in case other men have been talking to me. I do get attention, but I’ve never done anything about it.

I’m doing a second degree with the Open University, but although I’m doing well, it’s another task. I’ve signed up to do the London Marathon for Parkinson’s UK but have fallen behind on my training. I’m supposed to be planning a wedding but I’m worried about the cost and am not looking forward to it.

At 28 I feel so alone, and so tired. I think about leaving all the time, but who would look after John? I don’t know what to do any more. I feel so tired and trapped but I don’t know if I’d be happier on my own. I just don’t have the energy to be positive right now. TERESA

When I read your whole email (massively longer than this) I wanted to shout: ‘ Whoa!’ — as if you were a runaway pony. Because this is a breathless outpouring of panic. Your life has become incredibly difficult so you need to slow right down and look at all the aspects one by one.

nobody could have thought it would be easy — falling in love with a much older, married man already diagnosed with earlyonset Parkinson’s Disease.

You reveal (in the uncut letter) that he deceived his wife over you and she found out by accident. her subsequent bitterness is (I’m afraid) par for the course, and I feel especially sorry for three teenagers caught in the middle. It’s vital that you try to provide a welcoming second home for them, while supporting John in his on-going struggle with his ex.

You provide much confusing detail about the business mess. You’ve personally lost money, which will take time to recover; the whole thing is incredibly complicated and it sounds as if your partner hasn’t been that helpful to you — or to himself.

That brings us to his condition: the crux of the matter. At 28 you’ve taken on quite a burden, and the only way forward is for you to cut down on stress as much as

possible. Until then you’ll be in no position to decide whether or not to remain in this relationship.

And let’s be very clear. It would be wrong to stay with John out of pity and guilt — and/or because you’ve enjoyed the standard of living he’s been able to provide.

Nothing there forms a basis for life.

This relationship will only work if you stay with him because you love him, ‘for better for worse, in sickness and in health’.

Well . . . do you? That’s the question which, I suspect, keeps you awake at night. But how can you really answer it, feeling this exhausted?

For a start, ditch any thought of running that marathon — since worrying about training is the last thing you need. One stress gone.

Then you should contact the Open University and ask to store up your credits, in order to restart your course in the future. Another stress gone.

Third, what’s this about ‘planning a wedding’? You’re not ready for that because you must get your thoughts sorted out out first. Post- divorce and business mess . . . it’s much too soon. No wedding means a third stress gone.

Then you need to talk properly to John about how you manage his condition.

No more ‘forgetting’ drugs: put a noticeboard up which he will tick when drugs are collected and taken.

He’s 23 years older and has no right to give you extra burdens. You say you have to drive a three-hour round trip to his old GP to collect his drugs because he hasn’t changed doctors. That’s ridiculous.

He should get his act together now. Lots of serious talking and planning needs to be done and mustn’t be shirked.

Don’t give up on your love yet, but be realistic about what will be expected, and honest about your fears.

And if you still want to face them together, may I suggest a wedding that needs no ‘plans’ at all?