Why has my friend turned against me?

DEAR BEL I WAS once close friends with a single woman who lives opposite. But now she only contacts me when she wants something, and the way she speaks to me is quite high-handed and rude.

I find it quite difficult to say no when she asks me to do anything.

On Sunday she came round asking for the spare keys as she’d locked herself out. I tried to explain she took them back four years ago, but she was welcome to come in and ring a locksmith. She just walked away.

She told our elderly neighbour that I had thrown her keys away and all we cared about was ourselves. This situation is upsetting and I just want her out of my life. HILARY

BeFOre I go any further, here is another short note about a friendship problem: ‘ I have been bullied and hounded out of a voluntary position in a charity shop by a couple of retired women — the most hurtful thing being that we used to be friends.

‘Now, they have cut me dead and I felt I had no choice but to leave the work I’ve enjoyed for five years.

‘It was totally a misunderstanding, and from my perspective, a storm in a teacup. Another “friend” took sides so I am totally isolated. I feel badly let down by these so-called “friends” and hope they get their comeuppance. Please advise. Lorraine.’

Strangely I don’t receive many problems like these. I always used to advise my kids to make distinctions between proper friends and what I dubbed ‘warm acquaintances’. real friends are the ones to bother about; the rest, not so much.

The thing is, once you realise that you shouldn’t let them loom so large in your life, it’s easier to take deep, calming breaths and tell yourself that, since they don’t matter so much, they can’t really hurt you.

Take these two cases. Hilary’s problem is with a neighbour. Lorraine’s with women she met while volunteering in a shop. Both of you were friendly with the women, as is right and proper.

In both cases something clearly went badly wrong — probably careless words. Many people are blunt when they should be tactful. Here’s a mantra: ‘If it ain’t kind, keep your mouth shut!’

Both situations are distressing and hurtful, and I feel sympathy for both of you. It is certainly easier for Lorraine, because presumably by leaving your job you have removed the need to see the other women any more.

But you, Hilary, live opposite your neighbour, so how can you remove her from your life? Better by far to make up with her, somehow. Your uncut email suggests you made yourself a victim in the past by being the weaker one in the relationship. Now the woman is telling fibs about you. So what are you going to do?

I suggest you go across the road and say you regret the misunderstanding, but would it be a good idea if she had a key cut for you to hold, in case of need, for deliveries etc?

Say you will buy a special fob so it never gets lost. Simple and practical is the way forward. This is not important enough to become upset about. Think of your neighbour as perhaps being lonely and disappointed with life, and that may help you put up with her. With a shrug.

As for you, Lorraine, my only advice is that you stop wishing an unpleasant ‘ comeuppance’ upon these three ladies who have cut you off so hurtfully.

That blast of negativity won’t hurt them one jot — but it does hurt you, because it rubs salt in your wounds. Bitterness will make your heart permanently heavy, so forget them.

Since it’s marvellous to volunteer, and as a society we need such good, motivated people as yourself, I suggest you walk away from this problem by finding yourself another voluntary job and meeting some new people.

Both of you, instead of being angry, see how you can take control of the situation and make a new start.