The snowflake guide to speaking Baby Boomer!

After the Mail ran an A-to-Z of the baffling language used by Millennials, we present a tongue-in-cheek glossary to help THEM understand US...

LAST WEEK the Mail published its guide to speaking ‘Millennial’ — the unique language used by a younger generation for whom abbreviations, acronyms and text talk are part and parcel of communication.

But what of Baby Boomers, those born from the end of World War II until the mid-Sixties?

Accused of being the most selfish generation ever, smugly sitting out their autumn years in their huge, mortgage-free houses and living the life of Riley, with generous salaries and pensions, they are equally reviled and misunderstood by Millennials — or ‘generation snowflake’ as they are also known.

So here, to avoid confusion and bridge the divide, we present the Millennials’ A to Z guide to speaking Boomer. AIS FOR ... APPOINTMENT. This is something made with an acquaintance or friend prior to a night out. You arrange a time and place to meet, usually well in advance, and you both turn up at the appointed rendezvous within five minutes of the mutually agreed time. You don’t constantly change your plans or arrive late without good reason. Appointments are kept at the time stated, not forgotten and dismissed with a ‘Soz’ via Snapchat message, dashed off in the bath or an Uber. B IS FOR ... BREAD is a staple food prepared from a dough of flour, water and yeast usually by baking. It is one of the oldest artificial foods, having been of importance in the diet of human beings since the dawn of agriculture and fuelled a nation during wartime. It doesn’t give you cellulite. It doesn’t give you gluten intolerance. It doesn’t represent evil. CIS FOR ... CUTLERY. Tools for eating a meal, normally comprising a fork, held in the left hand, and a knife in the right. The knife is used to cut food — not a wrap, pizza or burger — and push the required portion onto the fork which is then lifted to the mouth where it is chewed, noiselessly, with the mouth politely closed. Used in conjunction with a ‘plate’ and eaten while seated at a ‘table’.

Sometimes accompanied by another ‘ c’ known as ‘conversation’, with your dining companions, directly, not on a mobile phone. DIS FOR ... Darning. A craft and hand skill, involving a large needle and thread or wool, and a curious tool resembling a leather-covered mushroom, used to mend, i.e. correct and make good, a hole in a jumper or pair of tights enabling it to be worn again — not consigned immediately to landfill, as you head off to Primark to replace it with yet more cheap, disposable tat.

Usually accompanied by a ‘ button jar’ and ‘needle and thread’ and kept in a ‘sewing box’. Sometimes accompanied by a sewing machine, a large device that meant you never had to buy ready- made clothes, dresses or even curtains. EIS FOR ...

EIGHT AM. Not to be confused with 8pm. Yes there really are two of them in a day. This is an hour of the morning. The ‘a’ stands for ‘ ante’, the Latin for ‘before’, and the ‘m for ‘meridiem’ as in ‘ midday’. This is a common and acceptable time for people to get out of bed and go to work. In many industries, people actually start work at 8am. Easily distinguishable from 8pm, as the sun is usually up and the pubs aren’t open yet. F IS FOR ... FINAL SALARY SCHEMES. Sadly, something you poor Millennials are unlikely ever to encounter in your working life time.

This is a pension based on your ‘final pensionable salary’ in a steady, good, rights-protected job, which will provide you with a good steady, dependable income after your retirement, probably around the age of 65 or so.

For more information, ask your parents or grandparents.

It is a good opener when asking to borrow money, as it is likely to instill guilt and make them more likely to open their capacious wallets or purses. GIS FOR ... GRANT. Also known as a ‘student grant’. This was free money, paid to all students in further education, which would cover their accommodation and living expenses.

Tuition fees did not really exist. Basically, the Government paid you money, which you didn’t have to pay back, to sit around in your digs in your pyjamas watching Blockbusters, meaning you were able to leave university without £50,000 worth of debt. Again, another thing Boomers feel a bit guilty about, and good leverage for begging missions. H IS FOR ... HEALTH. This is not something to be found in a clean-eating regime or trendy diet — health is something Boomers have in spades, and which, it appears Millennials don’t, despite their preoccupation with ‘wellness’.

Current trends say 70 per cent of Millennials will be obese by the time they are 40, while 50-year- olds are fitter and slimmer than ever — probably because they can afford the lifestyles that go with longevity. Another thing we feel wee bit guilty about — but also a little bit smug. I IS FOR ... IRONING. A practice involving an electrical item known as an ‘iron’ which is plugged in at the mains and uses heat to press creases out of clothes via a flat surface, rendering them smart and presentable. Not to be confused with the ‘laundry fairy’, also known as your mum. JIS FOR ... JUMPER. This is an item of clothing, usually fashioned from wool or a synthetic equivalent, designed to be worn over one’s day clothes in the event of a drop in temperature to provide an extra layer of warmth during a cold snap.

When used correctly, it negates the need to crank up the central heating to orchid-house levels as you swan around the house in your knickers and tank top, when there’s snow on the ground outside. K IS FOR ... FOR KNITTING. a deeply satisfying and skilled craft, in which yarn is manipulated to create a textile or fabric. Used to create Christmas jumpers, baby booties and christening shawls for grandchildren. Popular with nannas and usually works well with a glass of sherry. L IS FOR ... LIBRARY. A collection of sources of information, made accessible to a defined community, and paid through public funds, and intended for reference and borrowing. Sources include ‘books’, a collection of printed, sheets of paper, bound in a hardcover, containing information for entertainment or guidance. This is where, pre-Google, Boomers used to go to ‘look things up’, ‘browse’ and ‘read’. M IS FOR ... MORTGAGE. A loan made by a bank that enables you to buy your own house, i.e. move out of your parents’, and own property, sadly now a remote fantasy for many young people. Soaring property prices mean just one in five 25-year- olds now owns their own house or flat, compared with nearly half two decades ago, and a sizeable proportion say their financial situation is so precarious, they don’t ever expect to — especially when their parents’ place is so capacious and cheap. N IS FOR ... NEWSPAPERS. A daily publication chronicling the day’s news, opinion and features, printed on paper and sold at a newsstand. Not to be confused with ‘gossip about the Kardashians on the internet’. Boomers found this an invaluable resource in keeping up with world events.

Some would even have the newspaper delivered to the house, via a ‘paperboy’ — a youth, usually aged around 12 or 13, who’d earn his or her pocket money posting newspapers through people’s letterboxes before school, a task he or she did unaccompanied, normally on a bicycle, and probably while not wearing a helmet. O IS FOR ... OVEN. The contraption in the kitchen used to cook food. Ingredients are bought raw and unready from a shop, and then prepared in the kitchen following a set of instructions from a cookery book. This was how Boomers used to eat every day before Chinese takeaways and pizzas on motorbikes. This type of oven won’t ‘ping’ when

the food is ready and items will take much more than three minutes to cook in it. Would normally be followed by something known as ‘washing up’ in a ‘sink’, so items can be re-used, not thrown away. P IS FOR ... PHONE. A device used for making conversations, not taking selfies or playing games. Was normally attached to a wall, had a rotary dial, and if you wanted to call long distance or abroad, you had to wait until after 6pm when it was cheaper (and when your Dad was in the bath if you wanted to talk to your boyfriend without being overheard). QIS FOR ...

QUESTIONS. Spoken in real time, during telephone conversations, after answering a call or during a oneto-one meeting, a question was a useful tool for garnering information in a work environment. Sometimes led to an ‘exchange’ involving ‘eye contact’ from which notes could be taken and professional relationships forged. RIS FOR ...

RICHES. They’re ours, I’m afraid. You won’t be seeing any of them for a considerable time, the Baby Boomer generation has squirrelled away more than half of Britain’s £11 trillion, while the younger generations miss out. And we’re not planning on dying any time soon. Sorry about that. SIS FOR ...

SEXISM. This is not something poor Belle experienced in Beauty And The Beast, which offended you so much when you watched it during a Disney night at university, that you had to write a traumatised letter to the Student Union’s equality officer. Sexism was real and we Boomers didn’t get the worst of it, not by a long way. While we had our bottoms pinched and were called lesbians if we complained, were referred to as ‘love and sweetie’ and ordered to make the tea by male colleagues, our poor mothers couldn’t even apply for a mortgage independently and were routinely, and legally, sacked for becoming pregnant.

That was sexism. We’ve still got a way to go, but look back and see how far we’ve come. T IS FOR ... TELEVISION. A device for entertainment invented in the Twenties, on which programmes were broadcast at pre- determined and scripted times. Watched in real time, not later at your time of choosing, usually in the front room, the television provided convivial family viewing time for generations, before the introduction of ‘catch up on the laptop in the bedroom’. U IS FOR ...

UBER FREE WORLD. Can you believe there was ever a time when you couldn’t order a Toyota Prius to pick you up wherever you were at a few minutes’ notice? Many Boomers can still recall the local taxi number, which their Mum made them learn by heart. You booked the taxi and then the operator would lie to you about how long it would be. It was widely understood that ‘ with you in ten V

IS FOR ... VEST. An item of clothing designed to be worn under your clothes, which provides an extra layer and therefore doubles the insulating properties of your clothing. A vest will enable you to remain outdoors for long periods, to walk considerable distances without whingeing/ordering an Uber. Or keep the heating at a sane level indoors. minutes’ actually meant ‘anything up to half an hour’. W IS FOR ... WALKING: This is an activity done outside, and not on a treadmill, that conveys you from A to B, without the need for a mobile phone app or cash. This was how Boomers got to school since they didn’t have parents with 4x4 cars happy to drive them five minutes up the road road. Also Also, a very good way to keep slim and fit, enabling you to not stress out about eating bread (see B is for . . .). X IS FOR ... X-RATED FILMS. Strictly policed, this was a Boomer’s only hope of an illicit thrill pre-internet, and the proliferation of video nasties and unlimited pornography on demand.

Being able to sneak into an X (after borrowing your Dad’s aftershave if you were a boy, and your sister’s high heels if you were a girl) provided the sexual awakening for our generation, and most of it was so tame, it wouldn’t raise an eyebrow among your average teenager nowadays. Y IS FOR ... YUPPIE. This stands for ‘young urban professional’. Yuppies were big in the Eighties and could easily be spotted due to the mobile phones they carried which were the size of bricks. They worked in the City, usually banking, were loud, obnoxious and had so much money they didn’t know what to do with it. You wouldn’t like them. Neither did we. Z IS FOR ... GENERATION Z. This is the age group that comes after Millennials, and the only thing that scares the Boomers more. A sub-group born from the mid-Nineties to early 2000s, they are currently aged between 13 and 23, and are also known as ‘post-millennials’ or the ‘iGeneration’. These are the ones who’ll be looking after us in our dotage. And yes, we are terrified.