In these tricky times, how DO I flirt with a woman at work?
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems...
QRECENTLY, an attractive woman has joined the company I work for. I am 53 and have been divorced for four years. She’s in her 40s and I’m pretty sure she’s single, too. She always smiles when we pass in the corridor and on the few occasions we’ve chatted, has been friendly and sweet. My problem is I haven’t had the courage to ask her out. I’ve no idea what the rules are nowadays. With all the stuff in the papers lately, I’m not sure if it’s okay to approach someone at work. I don’t want to make a fool of myself — or get into trouble. What can I do? DOM SAYS:
This is such a modernday conundrum. On one hand we live in a much more relaxed, easy-going and promiscuous society. Yet, in many ways it can seem much more prudish.
Look at somebody the wrong way or say something that’s misconstrued and you can cause offence and get yourself in hot water. I totally sympathise with your dilemma.
In this case I’d err on the side of caution as you don’t want to overstep any boundaries and find yourself in front of a tribunal.
You say you’re pretty sure she’s single, but you’re not certain.
Don’t be tempted to turn detective and ask colleagues about her as she could hear about this and it might scare her off.
Continue to smile at her, keep up the friendly chats as you pass in the corridor and do a little gentle fishing to see what you can discover about her situation. Ask what she did at the weekend, see if she mentions a partner, or just casually slip in ‘what does your partner do?’ when you next chat.
Once you have a clearer picture, make a friendly offer of a drink after work on the way home. If that’s too nerve-racking, is there an office topic you could ask her opinion on? You could say you’d really value her input and is she free to chat over a drink?
If anything develops, do bear in mind that office romances can be complicated. I’ve even heard of companies that ban them, though being an old romantic I don’t think any rule in the world can come between two people in love.
But jealousies can occur, so if you do become a couple, be aware of that. I don’t know if one of you is the boss, but your colleagues may view you differently if you start dating someone higher up the ladder.
Be sure to maintain the rules. So no matter what happens down the line, keep things business-like at work. No touching. Keep your hands to yourself, don’t discuss your feelings with anyone else and keep all correspondence away from office emails. You don’t want things getting into the wrong hands.
Stay relaxed, keep up the good humour and don’t go charging in or making any clumsy passes.
Sometimes the best route to take is to assume nothing will come of a situation and then — when it does — happy days! Good luck. ...BUT STEPH SAYS: Isn’t it sad how the few have damaged the prospects of the many? I’m talking about the men you will have read about in the newspapers. They abused their authority and have now created a great stigma around the issue of men approaching women they find attractive in the workplace — or anywhere else. It’s now a tricky area and it really shouldn’t be because meeting a partner at work is perfectly normal. So many people meet their other halves at the office. I’m sure if you stop and think about your own friends, many of them will have. An important factor here is whether you are both on the same rung in the company. If you are her boss — or vice versa — then there are other factors to consider. If she is a senior partner then it could be that she smiles at and chats to everyone as she considers it part of her role. So, it’s a good idea to observe how she is with other people to be sure you haven’t misread any signals. I’m an old-fashioned girl and so I think you should write her a lovely, hand-written letter. Introduce yourself, say you enjoy your chats in the corridor, you’re a little nervous of asking her directly but would she like to go for a drink one evening after work? Give her your personal email or mobile phone number so it’s easy for her to respond. Some may say it’s cowardly, but I think if you ask her face to face it puts you both in a position you can’t control. Here, she is in control and has the choice of how she responds. Don’t send the letter to her home whatever you do, that’s creepy. Leave it on her desk. If she’s there when you go to deliver it then that’s awkward but, be brave, say ‘ something for you’ and hand it over. I think this approach is gentle, elegant and non-threatening. She’s free to say that she’s not available — or not interested — if that’s the case. If she turns you down, then be gracious about it and move on. If she responds favourably, then make plans to go on a proper date away from the workplace. Don’t suggest a coffee in your lunch hour or anything, you don’t want colleagues to start gossiping before things have even got off the ground. My advice is to keep everything away from and out of the office. I understand why you say you’re worried about what the rules are, and this suggests to me that you haven’t done much dating since your divorce. But really the rules haven’t changed. It’s perfectly okay to approach somebody you are interested in as long as you keep it polite and respectful and don’t go in there like a bull in a china shop.