The highs (and lows) of being a GAP MUM
With 15 years between her children, ANNIE POLLET is one of many women now juggling teenagers and toddlers. Here she describes ...
MY LAST lie-in is a distant memory and I haven’t read a book or been to a gym class in two years. But that’s the thing about having a toddler at 45, when you already have 17-year-old twins — life is never boring.
With a 15- year gap between my children, I am what’s fashionably known as a Gap Mother. Between us, my husband, Adam, and I have five children. The eldest are 17, while our youngest, Clementine, is just two.
And we’re not alone: entering mid-life with a toddler in tow is becoming far more common. In fact, the number of parents in their 60s with children under 18 is set to soar to nearly a million over the next ten years, according to new research from financial services company OneFamily.
The trend is driven by unplanned late arrivals, people not finding the right partner until later in life and, as in my case, second marriages.
Adam and I had been together for ten years when Clementine arrived — our first child together. I was 43, Adam was 48. We probably should have got going sooner. We were dating for quite a while, then we wanted our existing children to feel settled about us living together.
With both of us running demanding businesses, we weren’t 100 per cent sure how we would cope going back to life with a young baby again.
We were both already parents when we met: me with twins, Felix and Lola, and Adam with two daughters from previous relationships. Eventually, when my twins were eight, we moved in with Adam. His daughters, who lived a few streets away with their mum, spent weekends with us.
The years ticked past. Adam said no to a baby for ages, then we married and I think he thought that would keep me quiet for a few years.
Financially, another child was a big commitment and our four-bedroom house was already packed. If we had a baby, we would need to build a new bedroom and we’d be tied to term times for another 18 years. But I was starting to get broody — I wanted a baby with Adam to bond us as a family.
With my twins now older, more independent teenagers, I wasn’t going to have the full family life I had so enjoyed for much longer. I was in my mid-40s and feeling that final hormonal rush many experience as our bodies gear up for that last-chance-saloon baby. A
DAM eventually overcame his worries and Clementine was born two years ago. ‘ Since she’s arrived I haven’t regretted it at all,’ he marvels.
Happily, her arrival caused none of the ripples we might have feared a decade earlier. For our exes, so much time had passed they could simply be happy for us. And our older kids were thrilled.
They’ve never felt supplanted as they have full social lives — you have to book a family event with them almost two weeks in advance.
They quite enjoy not having the spotlight on them, reassuring me: ‘Oh Mum, it’s going to be fine when we go off to university because you’ll always have Clemmie.’
At times, I guess it’s annoying if we can’t get the baby to bed and the family doesn’t eat dinner until late. And the other children sometimes get woken in the night. But mostly she’s been like a new pet — a nice distraction from exams that they’re excited to come home to.
They’re sweetly protective, too. They keep telling us we mustn’t let Clem have a mobile phone until she’s a lot older; they’ve seen how addictive technology can be. And the girls say there’s no way any of them are having a baby until they’re 40. Having watched me chase after a toddler, they wear no rose-tinted spectacles. I think it’s also made them less selfish — they realise how much goes in to being a mum.
Adam and I are aware that young children are all-consuming and we do make an effort to spend time with our teenagers so they don’t feel pushed out. We took them skiing at half-term while my mum looked after Clem, and I think they loved having us to themselves.
Becoming parents at this point in our careers also means we can split childcare. I do Wednesday, Adam does Thursday and Clem goes to a childminder three days a week.
As a restaurateur with his own pizzeria, Adam’s work is more flexible than my job running a chain of fashion boutiques across London. He spent 20 years as a trader — if he still worked in the City, he would have left home at 6am and would barely see Clem.
What’s interesting is we’re not the only older parents in the park. Many people are having babies when they’re older; they can’t afford to have babies at 27 now, as I did, or they need to put their careers first.
So what are the downsides? Of course, there is the cost. Baby kit is so expensive. But second time around, you don’t buy all the rubbish you don’t need. We’re much more relaxed.
However, our social life has suffered. Last Saturday Adam went to a party alone, as Clemmie had a temperature. (I can’t say I was sorry: when you’re getting up early with a toddler, it’s knackering if you’re not in bed by 11.30pm.)
But my two younger brothers are just starting to have babies, so Clem has cousins to play with. And at 70, my mum is thrilled to have new grandchildren arriving.
It’s certainly more tiring doing it at this age. It’s exhausting heading out with my pushchair to get a toddler to sleep. But I reassure myself it keeps me physically active.
Having a late child may mean not only a happier life, but a longer one. A study found women who had their last child after 33 were more likely to live to 95. Perhaps your hormones are tricked into believing you’re younger. Or maybe it’s as Adam says: parenting a young child in mid-life means there’s no slipping into a sleepy retirement. H
AVING a child as you head towards 50 is a gift. It stops you getting complacent. In fact, one friend, a mother of three, was so entranced by Clemmie she went off and got pregnant herself. Her husband blames me totally, but they’re having a lovely time.
There are plenty of people who won’t envy us at all. But Clem is the glue that binds our family. She’s given everyone a new focus.
And when, finally, she does fly the nest, I’m sure we won’t feel any pangs. We will be happy to have some time off from child-rearing.
AS TOLD to Liz Hoggard. irisfashion.co.uk, sacrocuore.co.uk