KEN DODD’S tattyfilarious JOKE BOOK
Tribute pullout of all his best gags
Fifty-five years in showbusiness, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh.
My Dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said: ‘Is this a joke?’
Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.
So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.
Do I believe in safe sex?
Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.
Honolulu’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
The man who invented cats’ eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
She was a big girl — she could stir fry a leg of lamb. She tried the ‘speak your weight’ machine. It said: ‘To be continued.’
I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.
So this fellow tells the doctor: ‘Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.’ The doctor asks: ‘What do you take?’ ‘Pepper.’
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying: ‘Well, that taught me a lesson.’
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
Be honest girls, is this the first time you’ve seen a Chippendale?
My teeth are all my own. I just finished paying for them.
In the 1800s, one of the MPs in London decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was.
Age doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
It’s ten years since I went out of my mind. I’d never go back.
Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife’s nightie and say: ‘There’s the chest freezer you always wanted.’
An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in.
I wouldn’t part with my teeth. I’m the only patient who can sit in the dentist’s waiting room and have his teeth checked at the surgery.
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows — it’s never been done before.
[Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre] It’s a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed.
Men’s legs have a terribly lonely life — standing in the dark in your trousers all day.
We have a Frenchman that makes his own gravy — the Count of Monte Bisto.
I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
I’ve done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted: ‘Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher.’ And it was during the bingo.
The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire
on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
Doctor, ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m approaching 50.’ ‘From which direction?’
The question I am frequently asked is how can I make a small tin of rice pudding last longer? Well, use a smaller spoon.
In some parts of the world people eat little bent pieces of wire for breakfast — it’s their staple diet.
What is deja vu? Haven’t I already answered that?
Did you know that Les Miserables was a Frenchman with no sense of humour?
Did you know that Handel donated all his organs to medical science? Mind you, he wouldn’t let them have his piano.
I went into a shop last Saturday to buy a lottery ticket. And there was a gorgeous girl behind the counter. She said, ‘Next week it’ll be rollover week.’ I said, ‘Will it? That’s better than winning ten quid.’
I do gigs or ‘one night stands’. One night is all they can stand.
[On his famously long shows] Let me tell you it gets stressful. You’re under stress. I’m under stress. I don’t know what I’m under stress for. I’m the only one who knows what time it’s going to finish tonight . . . but I don’t want to depress you.
I’m an optimist. No, an optimist, love. Nothing to do with your eyes.
The other night in our house in Knotty Ash the phone rang. I picked up the phone, he said: ‘Hello Ken, it’s Chris Tarrant here, ITV’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Ken, we have David Beckham here and his wife Victoria and with your help we can get them up to £100.’
This audience tonight represents the crème de la crème — that’s French for ‘evaporated milk’.
This is going to be a long, long show. By the time you get out of here tonight Peter Mandelson will have paid his mortgage off.
Eve said to Adam: ‘Do you love me?’ And he replied: ‘Well who else is there?’
I went outside the house and there was this man with his head sticking out
What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through someone’s letterbox and shouting: ‘Help, help, the Martians have landed’
the pavement. I said: ‘Are you from the gas board?’ He said: ‘No, my parachute didn’t open.’
The Millennium Dome: the world’s biggest wok . . . It looks like John Prescott lying down.
The Romans built our roads. They’re still working on the M6.
Over 285 bones in the human body, enough to last the average dog a fortnight.
Scientists and doctors — they’re making tremendous strides all the time. One of these days you could have another mouth on top of
your head. When you’re late for work in the morning, stick a bacon sandwich under your cap and eat it on your way to the bus.
Dogs have a very very highly developed sense of smell. You wouldn’t think so from some of the things they sniff but they do.
As the Irishman said when he saw his X-ray: ‘I don’t remember eating all those bones.’
Aromatherapy’s all about different aromatic oils. Rosemary’s good for a headache. Well, she always had one when I tried it. Castor oil’s very good for athletics. Have a bottle of that and you don’t need starting blocks.
This lady stopped me the other day. She said, ‘Hello handsome, can you tell me the way to the optician’s?’
Oh and here’s a police message ‘Will all those people who took the M6 motorway please put it back because other people want to use it.’
Blackpool: where everyone is so friendly. Even the tram drivers give you a cheery wave as they knock the legs from under you.
How does a hen know the size of an egg cup when it lays an egg?
I’ve never wronged an onion so why do they make
me cry?
Our farmers, working hard to grow fresh British food. Better than that frozen stuff from Iceland.
How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? Shine a torch in her earhole.
A blonde goes to the hairdresser on a Saturday morning. She has earphones on, listening to the pop music. She says to the hairdresser just go round them. So he tries but eventually he takes them off and bang, she falls unconscious onto the dressing table. He picks the earphones up: ‘Breathe in. Breathe out.’
What’s black and blue and lies in the gutter? A comedian telling blonde jokes.
How honoured I am to be here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. There wasn’t much on the telly.
All these videos about vampires and werewolves. Fancy anybody paying good money to watch someone with long hair and big teeth.
Self-assessment. I invented that.
The crew here, they put me in number one dressing room. You can’t get lower than one. It was a nice dressing room though, they even put fresh straw in.
We don’t have bidets in my home. We just stand upside down in the shower.
There are some very dodgy questions on these forms. Sex? I put, ‘Well, occasionally’.
‘I’ve seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move’ Did any of us in our wildest dreams think we’d live long enough to see the end of the DFS sale? There are 37 bones in the human neck, more if you’re eating kippers
Nobody wanted me, my mother had to tie a pork chop round my neck to get the dog to play with me. When we played doctors and nurses, I was the ambulance driver.
Trouble, you don’t know what trouble is. This morning I rang up the Samaritans. I said: ‘Hello. My name’s Ken Dodd.’ The fella at the other end shot himself.
I’ve just seen a car wearing a Red Nose . . . And an Irishman breathalysing it.
A laugh is a noise that comes out of your face — anywhere else and you’re in big trouble.
Do you like science fiction, sir? Well you look like you’ve just landed.
There was Smeaton, who invented the Eddystone lighthouse. The first man to have a quick flash in public and get away with it.
Ladies and gentlemen I’ve been looking forward to this all day. That just shows you the sort of life I live.
Five o’clock in Knotty Ash this morning, I flung the bedroom windows open and climbed in.
What a beautiful day for dashing out to Trafalgar Square, chucking a bucket of whitewash over the pigeons and saying, ‘There you are, how do you like it?’
I can kiss a girl and nibble her ear at the same time.
On Wednesday I got six numbers in a row. It was on the gas bill but that’s a start.
I was going to take the dog to an obedience class but it wouldn’t go.
On Friday morning there was a tap on the door. He’s got a funny sense of humour that plumber.
I think all newspapers should have a happiness page… On a Monday morning you could start the week with a laugh. You could see the headline: ‘Inland Revenue officials swallowed by boa constrictor’.
The Pennines are the backbone of England. So what does that leave London?
I don’t do much
television these days Why? Because I can’t cook.
Where’s a chicken’s nuggets?
A few years ago I used to be a sexagenarian. I loved it. I used to do home visits.
Always be nice to your kids because they’re the ones who’ll decide which home you’re going in.
A little old lady went to the doctor and said: ‘Can I have some more sleeping pills for my husband?’ He said: ‘Why?’ She said: ‘He woke up.’
I do a lot of satire. That’s why I have this big stool.
I come from a very old military family. My greatgrandfather had a lot to do with the relief of Ladysmith. As a matter of fact she invited him back the following night.
In Germany all the hims are Herrs.
Here they have a Butlins-trained chef. He’s what they call a ‘cordon-bluergh’.
Hello Mrs. Is this your husband with you or is it novelty night?
It’s a posh audience here tonight. There are people in the front row eating chips with their gloves on.
According to council regulations, this room can be cleared in three minutes. I’m here to prove it.
We have one enemy tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen. Time. And I’m going to fight it.
It’s a long show here tonight. If you look under your seats you’ll find a will form.
I’m a sex symbol for women who don’t care.
Monday morning, I woke up and there was this beautiful blonde suntanned girl lying alongside me. I said: ‘Have you been here all night?’ she said: ‘Shut up and finish your dream.’
1066, Hastings, King Harold sitting proudly on his white horse with an arrow stuck in his eye and all his courtiers around him saying: ‘Keep blinking, H, it’ll work its way out.’
The vicar said to me last Sunday: ‘Kenneth, isn’t it wonderful to see the young people walking down the road carrying the good book?’ I said, ‘They’re taking their videos back.’
People say: ‘How long does you tour last?’ I say: ‘What time can you be here?’
How am I coping with the credit crunch? I thought it was a chocolate bar.
For a man of 103, I feel marvellous.
I stand here today full of Bulldog spirit and with teeth to match.
This morning the BBC sent a car for me. Luckily it missed.
Have you ever been in a Jacuzzi? With the water swirling away? You don’t know whether to enjoy it or apologise.
No wonder those French folks are so frisky — have you seen those long loaves they eat?
Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions.
Tonight we’re going to be asking mind-boggling questions. Like ‘where do flies go in the wintertime?’ And ‘what are the tailors going to do about it?’
They say an elephant never forgets. But I’ve never had a birthday card from one of them.
Votes for women! Squirting a hosepipe up Emmeline Pankhurst! How’s that for a suffering jet!
In the club I was in last night in Scunthorpe they kept a pig on the counter as an air freshener.
Euphemisms. These are words people use to cover up. For instance, ‘a molecular reaction has restructured an urban environment in a new concept’. That means ‘an atom bomb has just dropped on Wigan’.
I was a very small child. My mother used to carry me around in a handbag. I thought her ballpoint pen was my brother.
What’s green, eight-foot long, has great legs and, if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A snooker table.
What’s red and hard and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other? Eileen.
A big ship ran aground in Abbeyview harbour. It was a big ship loaded with a cargo of red and blue paint. All the crew were marooned.
It’s very nice to be here. But at my age, it is very nice to be anywhere.
I have kleptomania. But when gets bad, take something for it
Our dog at home enjoys worrying sheep. He sits on the fence, shouting: ‘Mint sauce, mint sauce!’