How do I tell him I’m up to the hilt on a secret credit card?
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems...
QMY HUSBAND and I have been married for eight years and have always been very open with each other about money.
But two years ago, after I lost my job in my early 50s, I couldn’t bear to give up my financial independence, so I took out a credit card without him knowing. It was only supposed to be a safety net and to treat myself now and then.
While this began with small things — clothes, hairdressers and lunch with friends — it somehow got way out of hand. Suddenly I found myself thousands of pounds in debt.
I feel sick to my stomach about this and can’t sleep. It’s got to the point where I know I will have to ask my husband for the money, but I’m terrified what his reaction will be. I’m worried it will end our marriage.
STEPH SAYS:
YOU said it yourself — you have to tell your husband. The longer you delay, the more the interest on your card will build and the deeper the hole you’ve already dug becomes.
The real issue is that you don’t want to tell him, and I suspect the reasons aren’t just to do with the money.
If you’re terrified of his reaction, you must feel certain he is going to be very angry. I’m sure he will be, but I imagine he’ll be hurt as well. Eight years is a long time to be married and you’ve kept a very big secret from him. I doubt he’ll take it lightly. Would you, if it was the other way around?
He wouldn’t be human if his first instinct wasn’t: ‘Well, if she kept this from me, what else is she hiding?’
It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to feel beholden to a man for life’s treats. We ladies need to feel and look good, and know we have access to money for things such as trips to the hairdresser or a night out with friends.
As long as you’re not spending crazy money on designer handbags, I see no problem with this.
However, some men don’t get it. They get their hair trimmed for £10 at the barber’s and don’t appreciate how expensive a set of highlights can be.
The things couples argue about the most are finances and family, and I am sure that will always be the way.
Perhaps your husband is very controlling when it comes to money? That’s certainly not healthy either.
The nub — as you have discovered — is that hiding anything from your partner will never end well.
Given your fear, and the fact you will need to rebuild trust, a mediator could work well, and I suggest you contact relate. It will also give you the chance to examine the reasons you went behind his back in the first place, so that you — and your husband — can get to the root of the problem.
In future, it may be a good idea if you agree with your husband how much you’ll spend on the things that make you feel good. You both agree the sum, but he never questions what you spend it on. That way he is in the picture, but you still have some freedom.
DOM SAYS:
FIrsT things first. Take a deep breath and relax. Debt, sadly, is part and parcel of modern life, and it is all too easy to lose control of spending.
These problems are surmountable, but not without a few awkward moments. I understand what you have done, but not why. If your marriage is the old-fashioned type where you pool all your resources, I cannot fathom your desire for financial independence.
Your impending retirement will affect both of you, and it’s unfair that you’ve been secretly spending thousands at the risk of leaving yourselves short in the future. The responsibility of ensuring financial security should be shared, regardless of who is the breadwinner.
A marriage is all about sharing. Your incomes should be shared and your spending should be on a similar level.
This isn’t as bad as it sounds. If one is a little frugal, the other can encourage the occasional splurge; but if one is a spendthrift, they should be reined in.
I do not think that you (or your husband for that matter) have the right to enter financial arrangements without both of you knowing what is going on. I am sure your husband will be horrified and disappointed, but you must tell him as soon as possible. You say you feel sick and can’t sleep, so coming clean will provide some relief.
Pour him a large drink and tell him you have done something very silly and that he is probably going to hate you. Explain your reasons first, then disclose the level of debt. Once everything is out in the open, you can deal with any repercussions it has for your marriage. If he is half decent, he will put his arms around you, give you a big hug and suggest that you resolve this together.
If he is not sympathetic and wants to end the relationship, then you are probably better off without him. But I doubt that will be the case.
There are a number of options available to you to help you manage your debt. The first port of call will be the credit card company, which is duty-bound to help you resolve this problem, and you can negotiate an affordable payment plan if need be.
Use this as an opportunity to draw up a budget, agreeing what can be spent. A good idea is to each withdraw an agreed amount of cash at the start of every month to spend on fripperies. And once it’s gone it’s gone, until next month. There is something very real about watching cash disappear as opposed to putting it on the plastic.
Honesty is always the best policy. Trust me, everything will seem better once it is out in the open.