The grandkids fear my tetchy husband
DEAR BEL PLEASE can you help. My husband cannot tolerate his grandchildren (aged 11, nine, seven and five). He says they are disobedient and do not listen.
It has reached the stage when the eldest two do not want to come and stay. We live too far away for quick visits, and the younger ones are afraid of him, as he is always telling them off.
They do not respond to Coats on now! Shut the doors! Turn off the lights! Yes, they can be annoying at times — but I do ask him if he was ever a child.
How can I keep the peace between my two daughters and their families and have them for peaceful visits?
THIS is sad and difficult in equal measure — and a welcome reminder to us all that we do not necessarily slot easily into the roles society sets for us. Just as every young mother does not take to parenting and some long to return to work, not all older people step willingly and naturally into the role of grandparent.
This is something I think of when I have chats with my generation about the next but one.
Grandparenting isn’t always easy — and sometimes we don’t want to do it! Recently, an old friend confided she finds it hard when her oldest grandson (aged about 11) marches into her home without even a polite hello.
‘It’s just so rude and irritating,’ she told me — and I agreed. By the way, my friend is not in the least as bossy as your husband.
But she and I also agreed that this is almost a taboo subject within the family. After all, if she complains about the child’s behaviour it will make her look petty, and could irritate her lovely daughter-in-law. The right thing would be for his parents to notice their son’s brusqueness with the oldsters and prime him beforehand.
There’s nothing so wrong with saying: ‘Now when we get there you are to greet Gran and Grandpa properly, you hear me?’ Lessons in politeness should start young.
Having said that, your husband sounds difficult. Barking orders at grandchildren is certainly counterproductive and will only alienate them. Perhaps that is how he was spoken to as a child. And how was he when your daughters were growing up?
I’d like to know if this authoritarianism is in his nature, or if it’s a product of ageing. Many of us grow more intolerant as time goes by.
It seems to me that you all have to work to resolve this family dilemma. If your grandchildren no longer wish to visit because of your husband’s attitude, then your quality of life will be badly affected — and that is entirely unacceptable.
As the mother and grandmother you are the most important (I would say that, wouldn’t I?) and so your daughters need to work with you to find a compromise. Surely it will do them no harm to talk about the kids’ behaviour. Maybe they are a bit rude and disruptive? Perhaps your husband is only half in the wrong.
You’ve tried to talk to your husband — but asking in a challenging way if he remembers being a child may not be the right approach. Perhaps you could try agreeing with him (even if you don’t mean it) that the children can be noisy and suggest he makes sure he is busy when they come.
Does he have a hobby or a project the children could share with him? Can his exposure to them be limited? He also needs to listen to you — and if this involves cajoling from you, so be it. Tell him you understand him, that he is a great guy, but you really do need to see these children in order to be happy — so that is a little gift he can give you.
In turn, your daughters need to talk properly to their precious offspring, making my point about politeness. Kids should learn human nature can be complicated — and that patience is needed as much from the young as it is from the old.