How CAN I tell my husband I don’t want sex any more?
Solve your sex, love & life troubles
QHOW can I tell my husband that, at the age of 60, I much prefer a good novel over intimacy in the bedroom? I don’t want it to end our marriage, but frankly I’ve had enough of lying back and thinking of England and really want to address this difference in libido with him.
He’s five years older than me, recently retired and still seems to want sex — twice a week! — but that’s too much for me and I’m starting to resent it.
I’d be happy with a once-a-month assignation and that out of duty.
We’re both in reasonable shape for our age; friends say I still scrub up well and in a certain light I do still find him attractive. Yet I just don’t fancy him sexually any more.
Is it normal at my age to want love and companionship, but to cool off the physical side of things? And how do I broach the subject without hurting his feelings?
STEPH SAYS:
This is a very common problem indeed. I’ll bet you’ve spoken to all your girlfriends already and discovered that, unless they’re in new relationships, absolutely every single one of them is in the same boat.
The trouble is, a woman is designed to lose her libido at a certain age. For her it’s a biological issue and something over which she has no control. But men do tend to take it personally and that’s when the ego kicks in.
Oh, she doesn’t fancy me any more. Well, no, at 60, with their bodies no longer young, women don’t tend to fancy anyone very much any more and certainly they’re not fantasising about swinging from chandeliers with their husband of 30 or 40 years.
What concerns me most is that you think coming clean might ruin your marriage. That tells me there’s more insecurity here than you’re admitting.
A marriage ought to be more resilient than this; the real glue that holds it together is the love, respect, care, friendship and humour you share — not the sex. Sex at your age is a release for a man and a comfort for a woman, but it’s not the most important part of a relationship.
My advice is to buy a bottle of vino, set out the glasses and talk about this together very openly. It’s a problem that isn’t going to go away until you do. You need to educate your husband about what’s happening to you physically and why.
He needs to know that, while you do find him attractive, sex isn’t just a functional act for you; that if he came at it from a more emotional angle, rather than as a twice-weekly pressing of the flesh, you might find the whole thing more palatable.
I’m not saying you’ll need to be ‘ brave’ — this is your husband; you shouldn’t require courage to talk to him about anything, but you will need to be honest. One of the greatest gifts you can give another person is your vulnerability. Show him this is an issue you’re really struggling with. And perhaps soften the blow by telling him you’re willing to see a GP about it.
It strikes me that far more research has gone into male problems in the bedroom than female, but it can’t hurt to see what natural supplements there might be out there to help.
And thank you for your letter. We don’t talk about this issue nearly enough. Of course, the free-thinking French woman would deal with it by allowing their man to take a lover, but that’s not our way. Talking is the key. DOM SAYS: Your letter saddens me. I wonder whether you’ve ever been compatible in the bedroom or whether you’ve always been going through the motions for your husband’s benefit and not yours? Sex should be fun for both of you. It’s a terrible shame when that’s not the case. Yes, he’s going to be devastated. The thought of you, his beloved wife, ‘lying back and thinking of England’ is a bitter pill. Although I think you need to have a deep and honest conversation about this together, I feel strongly that you also need to talk to a professional counsellor, even a sexual therapist. Remember, your husband has just retired, and for some men this is felt as a rejection from the working world. Now, at last, he has the time to spend with you alone — and you’re effectively rejecting him, too. Do tread carefully here, or the poor man will feel under attack from all sides. However, it sounds like you are starting to feel some resentment. You say that in a certain light you do still find him attractive, but that sexually he’s a turn-off. This sounds an alarm for me: it tells me your love for him is waning as a whole. Beauty is only skin deep and when you’re fully in love with someone, appearances don’t matter. Are you sure you’re not starting to resent him on all fronts? Fundamentally, what you describe — a sort of room-mate arrangement — is not what he signed up for; and personally I don’t think twice a week is outrageously much to ask. There is perhaps one (taboo) option to explore and that’s giving him free rein to have his ego massaged elsewhere. It’s a little like saying, well, if I’d really rather not feed him, then Jenny will feed him instead. But I don’t recommend that. This is a case for the professionals, someone who can help you inject the fun back into your love life and perhaps tell him how to make it work for you physically. Yes, women’s bodies change, but I don’t buy the argument that all women want to knock sex on the head at 60. I wish you luck. Good sex is a wonderful celebration of marriage and a huge source of joy. And, honestly, it’s much better for you than a novel.